


Eddie Kaspbrak and the Happy Medium

by anonymous_yet_again



Series: Kairos [1]
Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Pennywise (IT), Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Minor Character Death, Multi, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Repressed Memories, Sonia Kaspbrak's A+ Parenting, Trauma, the tags are mostly an attempt to list content warnings, tho the story gets dark sometimes it isn't graphic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-13
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:33:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 22,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27062734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anonymous_yet_again/pseuds/anonymous_yet_again
Summary: Eddie Kaspbrak and his mother moved away from Derry 23 years ago.  He doesn’t remember it very well, but who remembers middle school, anyway?  And, while we’re asking questions, who is this Richie guy who recognizes him in the street and has a whole group of other friends who also seem to know Eddie?  Why did his mom always refuse to talk about Derry?  Why has his wife always done the same?_____A story in three parts, involving prose, text conversations, and a few other types of media.Updates will be 1-2 weeks apart (formatting this takes time!).
Relationships: Ben Hanscom/Beverly Marsh, Bill Denbrough/Mike Hanlon, Eddie Kaspbrak/Myra Kaspbrak, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, Patricia Blum Uris/Stanley Uris, most relationships are background; very Eddie-centric
Series: Kairos [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2056497
Comments: 11
Kudos: 33





	1. Part 1: Losers

**Author's Note:**

> Content Warnings (serious): see the tags for potential triggers. I tried hard to get everything in them, because most of those topics are sort of woven through the story, and it’s difficult to warn for specific places. I will reiterate that I don’t think any of those warned-for topics are discussed very graphically; most are implied and/or past (minor char death does happen during the story; it's not a Loser). If you would really like more specific warnings (and are willing to risk spoilers!) scroll to the comments without reading and ask, and I’ll reply and do my best to be specific. And please let me know if you think I missed a warning!
> 
> Another warning (less serious): You know the Bernie meme that says “I am once again…”? Well, I am once again writing fanfiction for a source material that I have never actually watched. Oops. I also don't own a smartphone and yet made this a heavily phone-based fic. I also set this in Baltimore because I don’t know NYC, Chicago, or LA but I lived in B-more for a bit, so I figured, hey, it’s an AU, set it somewhere I know. Basically: had an idea, wrote it down, decided you all get to read it, too. Please don't judge me _too_ harshly.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In order to arrive at what you do not know/You must go by a way which is the way of ignorance.
> 
> \- T. S. Eliot, "East Coker," from _Four Quartets_

**Richie’s phone**

_Friday, Sep 15_

**Losers**  
7:12 pm

 **Stan the birdman**  
Richie it’s your turn to buy

 **Bevvie**  
Richie rich! where are u?

 **Richie**  
it’s not my fault! my bus is stuck in traffic  
i might get out and walk the last three blocks lol  
i think there was an accident

 **Bevvie**  
oh damn you probably will have to walk it

 **Richie**  
yea im getting off now

 **Ben Handsome**  
Can you see the accident? Is everyone OK?

 **Richie**  
yeah some guy with a fuck-off big car just got t-boned  
I dont think anyone’s hurt  
lol he’s really short and angry

 **Stan the birdman**  
You mean he’s overcompensating?

 **Patty <3**  
STAN!

 **Billiam**  
wait what are you saying about short people?

 **Micycle**  
He’s talking about short people with big cars babe

 **Richie**  
omg  
Do you guys remember eddie kaspbrak?

 **Bevvie**  
You mean the eddie who moved away at the beginning of high school?

 **Patty (mom)**  
I do not

 **Richie**  
Sorry patty not u  
But yeah bev i mean the eddie who left after 8th grade  
I s2g this guy with the big car is him

 **Billiam**  
He always was kinda short

 **Richie**  
tbf big bill you were pretty tall back then  
heights change

 **Billiam**  
>:(

 **Stan the birdman**  
So you’re telling us you’re on your way?

 **Richie**  
Hang on i’m going to go say hi

 **Bevvie**  
Richie are you sure?  
Richie?

7:28pm

 **Richie**  
Hey so what if eddie came to our night out

 **Ben Handsome**  
A Loser’s Club reunion!

 **Bevvie**  
and Patty!

 **Ben Handsome**  
And Patty of course!

 **Micycle**  
Does Eddie want to come to our night out?

 **Richie**  
idk i’m kind of pressuring him a little?  
i’m not sure how well he remembers us

 **Billiam**  
Really? We were 15 when he left not like 5  
Tho i guess it was a weird time

 **Richie**  
yea tru  
well anyway i reminded him  
and i asked if he wanted to come hang out  
and eventually he said “why the fuck not” so  
but first he has to uhhhhh

 **Bevvie**  
??  
Richie what’s he have to do first?

 **Richie**  
call his wife it turns out  
weird  
can’t see i saw that one coming  
oh lol

 **Stan the birdman**  
STOP

 **Richie**  
cumming  
oh sorry stan didn’t see that in time

 **Patty (mom)**  
[disappointed sighing emoji]

**_________________________________________**

**Half of a phone call (as heard by Richie)**

Call from: Eddie Kaspbrak  
To: Myra Kaspbrak  
7:30pm Friday, September 15

 **E:** Hi Myra--No, I’m fine. I had a--yes, there was an accident. No, I am fine and the car is still drivable. Uh huh. Uh huh. Yeah, I wrote down his--yes, I got the insurance information.

Yeah, I’ll call--no, Myra, you don’t have to, I can call the shop. Yes. It’s fine, I can drive it there tomorrow and get a loaner. No, I don’t need--no, you don’t have to come get me. I’m not far from the house.

Yes, I--yeah, I’ll--Myra. I’m fine. The airbags didn’t even go off--yeah, really. You’re right, I know, you’re right, sorry--yeah, I’ll, uh, go to the hospital to get checked out. Yeah, a precaution. Um, don’t wait up for me though--no, I don’t need you to go with me, there’s actually, a, uh, a police officer checked me over quick, like first aid stuff, and I’m fine to drive but I know you worry so I’ll go see--yeah, I’ll go to the ER. But don’t wait up for me. Uh huh. I know. I know you worry, I’ll text you updates. Yes, and call if I need you. OK. Uh huh. Myra, I have to--I gotta go. OK. I--yes, I love you too.

**_________________________________________**

Talking to Eddie Kaspbrak for the first time in about 23 years had not gone the way Richie would have expected, if he’d ever imagined it. OK, so he had imagined it some, back when Eddie’s mom first packed him up and moved him out of Derry overnight, but by the time they hit 20 years or so since then, he’d kind of given up on the idea. A 23-year reunion, he figured, would be pretty darn weird. Somehow it was weirder than he’d thought.

OK, so some of the weirdness was Richie’s fault, because when he got out of the bus, walked a few feet, and saw the short guy with a red face yelling at the driver who’d T-boned his big-ass SUV, his first thought was, _That guy’s hot_. His second thought was, _Holy shit he looks kinda like Eddie Kaspbrak_ , but the first thought unfortunately stuck with him.

But some of the weirdness was Eddie--which was to say, it was pretty weird of Richie to finish his latest text to the Losers, shove his phone into his pocket, and jog over going, “Eddie? Eddie Kaspbrak? Dude, we went to middle school together,” but it was weirder when Eddie turned and looked at him with...a complete lack of understanding, or any recognition. He didn’t even look annoyed, which was what Richie would reasonably expect from _anyone_ \--especially Eddie--being confronted by a former friend randomly and immediately after a car accident. He just looked blank.

“Hang on,” said Eddie, who seemed to have finished getting 1) angry and 2) the insurance information of the other driver. He hopped back up into his dented car and drove it a little ways further and then into an alley with diagonal parking, where he parked. He hadn’t said, “Go away,” so Richie followed him.

“I know you?” said Eddie once he got out of his car again, already pulling out his phone and typing something. Richie took it as a good sign that he’d bothered to ask at all; but this thought-- _This is good, Richie, he didn’t just drive away_ \--didn’t get rid of the sinking feeling in his stomach at Eddie’s lack of recognition. They’d been good friends--hell, Richie would have called them best friends, at one point in time.

“Yeah, it’s me, Richie,” he said lightly, instead of any of that. “Richie Tozier? We actually went to school together for like all of elementary and middle school, but you know, elementary school’s a blur for me, too, so--”

“Trashmouth,” said Eddie, looking up and frowning as though thinking was an effort. Richie watched his eyebrows move. “Yeah, Richie, right. Right! Sorry, I--I don’t remember a lot from middle school. I remember some but I--there’s gaps. I forgot some stuff, you know how it is.”

 _I do not_ , thought Richie, slightly alarmed at the idea of memory gaps big enough to swallow entire people, but he didn’t want to scare Eddie off. “Yeah, right, long time ago,” he said instead. “Listen, you might not remember, then, but all our friends--we called ourselves, like, the Losers Club? ‘Cause, you know, we were losers but we owned it, reclaiming the term--anyway, I was literally on my way to meet them right now, we kind of drifted a little but we all live in the same area now so we, like, meet up regularly and--do you want to come? It’s three blocks from here, I was gonna walk the rest of the way, kind of a bougie bar, you know, Fells--”

“I live near here,” said Eddie.

“Of course you do,” said Richie, looking at the fancy-ass townhouses.

“What’s that supposed to mean, asshole?” snapped Eddie, and Richie laughed.

“That’s the Eddie I remember,” he said, and then tried to reel in the fondness by sniping, “Well, how about it? Or do you need to, uh, ask your mom…?”

For a second he worried he’d gone too far the other way, but Eddie just said, “Fuck you,” and then, “Yeah, why the fuck not. I’ll come with. I need to call my wife.”

**_________________________________________**

**Bev’s phone**

_Saturday, Sep 16_

**Richie :)**  
12:02am

hey Marshian are you still up?

Hi Richie!  
I’m still up  
probably not for long

Pretty crazy about eds huh?  
like that he lives in B-more  
and also came to the bar

crazy indeed  
What’s up?

why does something have to be up?  
just textin my favorite lady at midnight

Richie  
we literally just saw each other  
it’s been less than an hour

yea ok i do have a question  
it’s not a fun one tho so i didn’t want to ask it

well I can probably handle it  
I’ll tell you if I can’t

Deal  
uhh so u kno how eddie called his wife  
I heard him on the phone and he told her he was like going to the hospital  
but then he came to the bar with us instead  
Is that like something we should worry about?

hmm

sorry i’m not trying to like make you the expert at abuse  
or like bad relationships  
it’s fine u don’t have to say anything

Richie relax  
I was just thinking  
what I think is that we don’t really know Eddie very well  
Even if it feels like we do  
so we just wait, and if he stays in our lives then we can do all the worrying we  
need to then

OK thanks ms marsh  
sorry

Richie it’s really fine!  
I know you’re just worried about Eddie

you’re right tho we don’t really know him

exactly. But we all have his number now, so we can stay in touch  
and see what happens

yeah  
thanks Bev

np sweetie, I love you!

<3  
love you too  
night

Goodnight!

**Eddie Kaspbrak**  
9:14am

Hi Eddie! This is Beverly Marsh  
Just wanted to say good morning! It’s so crazy that Richie ran into you  
yesterday, but I’m glad he did!

Hi Beverly  
Thanks for reaching out  
It is pretty crazy! Small world.

Right? Anyway I know it’s been a while and we were all a little  
loud and overwhelming yesterday, but I just wanted to say welcome  
back! And if you ever need anything from any of us I know we’re all  
happy to talk to you again.

I hope I didn’t look too overwhelmed  
It’s been a while since I was somewhere that loud  
Thank you!  
I will keep you all in mind.

I’ll make sure to text you when we all get together again!  
Or maybe that will be Richie’s job, he found you this time  
Haha

Thanks!

**_________________________________________**

“Who are you texting?” said Myra.

“A friend,” said Eddie.

Myra looked suspicious. To be fair, as far as she knew, Eddie had no friends. As of yesterday morning, Eddie would have agreed with that assessment. “From work?” she said, obviously mentally searching through where he could have met anyone.

“From middle school, actually,” said Eddie absently, and then tensed slightly and hoped she wouldn’t notice.

“Oh,” said Myra disdainfully, “from That Place?”

She’d picked up the habit of referring to Derry with the audible capital letters, and without the proper noun, from Eddie’s mother. Eddie wasn’t even sure when it had happened, because his mother had never talked about Derry, at least not with him around; on one of the few occasions she and Myra had met, they must have discussed the place Eddie had done his first 14 years of growing while he himself was out of the room. Now Sonia Kaspbrak was dead, and Myra had taken on the mantle of never discussing his hometown. Not that she knew much about it, probably. Neither did Eddie, really. Last night had been kind of a shock.

Eddie hadn’t had friends in high school. He’d had people he got along with in class, and he’d had his mother. He could vaguely remember middle school, but just the general feel of it: long hallways and droning teachers, flickering fluorescent lights and a background sense of unease. He’d always kind of assumed he hadn’t had friends then, either. But yesterday some tall asshole in a leather jacket had called his name while Eddie was still writing down the insurance information of the slightly shorter asshole who’d crashed into him, and he’d turned and immediately felt a jarring sense of familiarity looking at a man who, as far as he knew, he’d never seen in his life. When the man had said “Richie Tozier,” a name had swum up into Eddie’s mind automatically. _Trashmouth Tozier_ , said his brain, so Eddie said, “Trashmouth,” and was startled when the man wasn’t offended.

The bar had been a revelation, not just because Myra hated bars and didn’t allow alcohol in the house. All of these nice strange adults had welcomed him and said hi, and Eddie had looked from face to face as he sat there sipping an ice water, and realized that he could imagine them all as kids--that, in fact, he didn’t have to imagine it, because he’d seen it. The woman named Patty had worried him a little, because she was nice but unfamiliar, but some listening confirmed that she’d married Stan-- _Stan the Man_ , said Eddie’s brain--right out of college, so that was OK. Ben-- _Haystack Hanscom_ \--was also unfamiliar, until he smiled at Beverly--Bev--and Eddie saw the crinkles around his eyes and the soft, gentle look on his face, and realized that those were the same, though something else was different. “You used to be fa--um, overweight,” he blurted, and immediately turned red.

Richie started laughing. “Fuck you,” said Eddie in his direction, without even looking at him. “Sorry, Ben, I--”

“No, you’re right!” said Ben, looking much too delighted considering a stranger in a bar had just insulted his past self. “I kind of grew into it, but mostly I work out constantly. I was a big kid.”

“Still big where it counts, right Bev?” said Richie, and everyone turned on him and forgot about Eddie’s revelation which was--nice, even if the method had been vulgar. Eddie blinked a little and drank more water.

Now Myra was talking again. “I didn’t think you were still in touch with anyone from That Place, Eddiebear,” she said.

“I wasn’t,” said Eddie, “it’s just someone I met in, um, the grocery store.” He did the shopping every week. Myra did the cooking. “We talked in, uh, the checkout line, realized we went to the same school.” Eddie had never talked to another person in the checkout line in his life, unless they were moving too slowly or touching his groceries. “Not a friend, really, more of an acquaintance.”

“Oh,” said Myra, “well that’s nice, then.”

They had finished breakfast and were sitting in the living room. One of Myra’s soaps was on. Eddie was planning to go into the office for the afternoon, but it was the weekend so he’d slept in. Compared to normal, anyway. “Myra,” he said, and she jumped a little. This was fair; they didn’t really talk while she watched her soaps. Or many other times. “Do you remember middle school? Your middle school?”

Myra gave him a careful look, which was confusing. It was the look she used when Eddie said things like, “Maybe I should go to the gym,” and she started reminding him he had asthma. He went for a light jog almost every morning, instead, carrying his inhaler dutifully.

“Well, it was quite a while ago,” she said. “I remember parts, of course, but not details.”

“Did you have--do you remember _people_?” said Eddie, instead of asking if Myra had had friends. It wasn’t like _he’d_ had friends. Except, he now remembered, for the six other Losers who’d befriended him.

“Oh, a little bit,” said Myra vaguely. “I’m sure I don’t know their names.”

Richie had known Eddie’s name. But maybe Richie was the weird one. Besides, the other Losers had all gone to high school together, too, and then stayed more or less connected through college, based on last night’s bar conversation. Eddie had moved and changed schools; of course he didn’t remember things. Them. That was pretty normal. Myra was nice and normal, which was why he’d married her, and she didn’t remember her friends. Eddie was fine. Totally fine.

**_________________________________________**

**Bill’s phone**

_Monday, Sep 18_

**Mike <3**  
8:34am

Good morning!  
I forgot to tell you that there’s coffee

I found it through smell alone  
Thanks babe!  
I didn’t realize you had an early shift?

Yeah it was last minute, one of the other librarians texted last night  
I was already getting up early but I planned to eat breakfast with you; but you  
looked so peaceful I didn’t want to wake you up before I had to leave!

I didn’t mind a little extra sleep  
:)

Did you sleep OK?

Last night was fine yeah  
Sorry I woke you up the other night

Oh good  
It’s totally fine I’m glad I was awake  
Do you think it had something to do with Eddie?

My nightmare?  
It’s not his fault

I didn’t mean it’s his fault  
I just know we haven’t seen him in a while  
And maybe seeing him made you think of what it was like right before he left?

And Georgie, yeah  
Maybe, I hadn’t actually thought of that  
But I haven’t had that nightmare in a while so...  
Makes sense

How is Georgie?

Good! Might visit soon  
He’s terrible about giving specifics though  
I’ll let you know as soon as I do!

Cool! It’s fine  
I’d love to see him  
OK I need to go back behind the desk

Thanks for texting! See you later!

See you later! Bye

Bye :)

**_________________________________________**

**Eddie’s phone**

_Thursday, Oct 5_

**Unknown Number**  
10:46am

yo spaghetti  
this is Richie btw

Hi Richie  
This is Eddie

i know that dude i have ur number

Well I didn’t know, you called me spaghetti  
Maybe you thought you were texting a plate of pasta

lol  
no it rhymes with eddie  
i used to call u spaghetti a lot

Oh yeah, I think I remember

cool cool  
so look the losers r getting together again tomorrow  
I kno its short notice but idk if you want to come?  
we don’t always meet up this often but Bill and I are both out of town soon  
so we wanted to do something before we go

Are you going to the same bar?

nah  
We’re being old and meeting up at ben and bev’s for a game night  
we’ll probably get takeout or something  
u can come for however long u want!

What time?

I’ll probably get there like 6:30?  
but we’ll be there till late like i said  
come whenever and stay however long  
if you can! u don’t have to

I don’t understand the thought process that leads you to type  
“u” and “you” in the same message

lol

I have to check my calendar

also lol  
what a grownup

Dude you just said you’re “being old”!

man u like turning my own words against me  
do it more

Shut up  
Wait  
Beep beep?  
Did we say that?

lol they still say that

Oh maybe I heard it at the bar?

or maybe u remembered!  
either way it’s cool  
so check ur calendar?

Yeah I’ll tell you if I can come  
And Bev since it’s her house.

Sweet!  
see u there mr spaghetti

Maybe  
Don’t call me that

 **Myra (ICE)**  
12:00pm

Hi Myra  
There is a company event tomorrow evening, so I will be home from work late. It  
is at a restaurant with gluten free options so I will get dinner. Don’t worry about  
waiting for me!

Oh Eddie  
You know I worry when you eat food I didn’t make  
Are you sure you won’t have an allergic reaction?  
Maybe you shouldn’t go

It’s an important event for networking  
I know you worry, but I’ll be fine

Have you checked the menu?  
Where will you be?  
Do you have an epi-pen at the office?

**Interlude: a new tab on Eddie’s phone**

Search history:  
baltimore restaurant  
baltimore restaurant near me  
gluten free restaurant near me  
gluten free restaurant menu

**Myra (ICE)**  
12:04pm

Have you checked the menu?  
Where will you be?  
Do you have an epi-pen at the office?

[1 attachment: image]  
This is the menu  
[You have sent 1 location]  
I’ll text you when I get there  
I’ll bring an epi-pen, too, I promise

OK Eddie  
I just worry about you because I love you, you know that, right?

I love you too

**Beverly Marsh**  
12:07pm

Hi Bev  
Richie said there was a thing happening at your house?  
Tomorrow  
I’m not trying to invite myself but he said I could come, too  
And I just checked my calendar and I am free  
Sorry for all the texts

Hi Eddie!  
Not a problem, so glad you can come!  
I’ll send you the address

Is there anything I should bring?

Not unless you have a favorite board game!  
We’ll order take-out when everyone’s there

 ~~I don’t really play  
I’m allergic to~~  
That sounds great!  
Thank you

**_________________________________________**

**Bev’s phone**

_Friday, Oct 6_

**Ben <3 <3**  
3:46pm

Hi hon! I forgot to tell you yesterday but Eddie’s coming tonight, too!

Oh awesome!  
I’m so glad Richie ran into him randomly  
It’s really good to see him again!

have I told you you’re the sweetest man I know?

Only every day <3

<3  
It’s funny how he’s so similar and so different

Right?  
Still kinda neurotic  
In a nice way

you mean everything in a nice way

Not about everyone  
But about our friends yeah, I’m always nice

Im glad Richie ran into him, too

Oh  
Hey I just had a thought

??

You know how Richie came out to us all  
In college

It’s been a little while but I do remember this important part of my  
best friend’s identity, yes

Haha  
Well I never thought about it  
But he used to be all over Eddie when we were kids  
Do you think he had a crush on him?

Oh Ben you beautiful straight man  
I’m so glad ur mine  
and that we got our shit together eventually  
I’m almost 100% sure Richie was very in love with Eddie

Oh wow  
Makes sense  
I remember he moped a lot when he moved but I just thought they were  
best friends

Well it was Derry  
there’s a reason he waited until we left for college to come out

Geez I hope he’s not gonna fall in love again now that Eddie’s married  
to a woman

Yeah  
Me too  
I wonder

Wonder what?

Nothing  
I wonder some stuff about Eddie’s wife but  
none of my beeswax!  
(yet anyway)

OK!  
Let me know if you want to talk!  
Love you!

Love you too, so much!  
See you soon!  
[lipstick kiss emoji] <3

**_________________________________________**

Bev and Ben were some of the nicest people Eddie had ever met. Actually, he was kind of feeling that way about all of the Losers (plus Patty), despite the fact that Stan and Mike were currently having a heated argument about potential extraterrestrial influences in South America, and Richie was screaming “Suck it,” and flipping everyone off with both hands after winning their latest game of Scrabble.

“All right, big brain,” said Bill grumpily. Bill was an author. Eddie wondered if that was why he was grumpy about losing at Scrabble.

“Is that why your head’s so big?” said Eddie, not actually mad about losing, but giving in to the constant impulse he’d had ever since meeting him--again--to needle Richie. “Fuckin’ five-head--it’s just full of Scrabble words.”

“Eds gets off a good one!” said Richie, not at all offended.

“Don’t call me that,” said Eddie automatically, as Stan said, “Mike, it’s just a useful architectural shape--Ben, tell Mike about pyramids,” and Ben said, “Sorry bud, it’ll have to wait until we’ve ordered.”

Eddie jerked his head up to where Ben and Bev were both hunched over Ben’s phone. Bev made eye contact with him, and beckoned him over, so Eddie got up from the couch where he’d been perched for the half-hour he’d been there so far and picked his way around where Richie and Bill--and, oddly, Patty--were now pseudo-wrestling on the floor until he could see what Ben and Bev were looking at.

“You were talking about some allergies at the bar,” said Ben, once Eddie was close enough. “What can’t you eat? Or what can you?”

Eddie listed things automatically, while Ben scrolled through a Chinese food menu. “...and if I eat a cashew, I could realistically die,” he finished, looking up to see Ben and Bev exchange a look. It wasn’t the normal annoyed look he normally got when he listed allergies, though. “What?”

“Eddie,” said Ben slowly, “are you sure you’re allergic to all that?”

“Pretty damn sure,” said Eddie, “since I’ve eaten like this my whole life. What, are you going to say I didn’t have any allergies back in middle school? I feel like I’d remember that.”

“No, you...did,” said Bev soothingly, but with a telling pause. “It’s OK. We’re probably ordering from this place, do you want to just look the menu over and tell us what you can have?”

“OK,” said Eddie, feeling off balance. He wanted to be annoyed, but he didn’t have the grounds to actually snap at either of them. “That works.”

He felt a little better by the time the food came; they’d played several rounds of Catchphrase, and Eddie accepted his box of rice and vegetables and ate hungrily, eyeing the steaming lo mein Richie was shoveling down next to him.

“Want some?” said Richie, gesturing towards him with the open container.

“I can’t,” said Eddie, but he didn’t recoil at the notion of sharing food, which was weird. He _must_ have already known Richie, because otherwise the thought of sharing his food with a man he’d met twice would have disgusted him. Hell, he _knew_ he’d known Richie; like with everyone in the room--except Patty--he was already regaining scraps of conversation and fleeting images that he realized were memories, of living in Derry and hanging out with the Losers. Now he got a sudden vivid memory, of a smaller, ganglier Richie reluctantly holding out a half-eaten ice cream bar and letting Eddie lick it. This was weird because it was dairy, which Eddie tried not to eat, but also because--he remembered Richie being extra nice, because--he’d had a broken arm? When had he broken his arm?

“Yo, earth to Spaghedward,” said adult Richie, face just as close as the child-Richie was in the memory, and Eddie blinked back into awareness just in time to hear Bill say, “Oh, Georgie’s coming to town soon! Probably around Halloween.”

The name tugged at something deep in Eddie that felt like it was maybe meant to stay down there. “Georgie?” he said.

“My little brother,” said Bill, sounding dismissive, but then grinning in a way that showed he cared after all. “He’s not that little anymore, almost thirty--God, that’s weird--but he still dresses like a teenager, so…”

“I mean, so does Richie,” said Bev, and Richie squawked indignantly, but Eddie’s brain was stuck somewhere else.

“Georgie,” he said again. His arm--the right one, the one that had been broken in the memory--twinged, as if in sympathy, because--“He...his arm? Did it…”

The chatter, which seemed to consist mostly of people still insulting Richie’s sense of style, died abruptly. “He’s got a prosthetic arm, actually,” said Bill. “He’s had it since he was a kid.”

“Yeah,” said Eddie, nonsensically, because how would he have known that? He wasn’t getting any more memories back, or not in image form, but he suddenly knew that if he ate any more of his rice, he would throw up.

They were upstairs in Ben and Bev’s nice Roland Park house; though there were blinds haphazardly drawn, Eddie could see the doors to a balcony leading straight out of the room. “I’m just gonna--” he said, put his takeout container down, and went.

He used his inhaler once he was outside, and leaned on the railing as he worked on breathing normally. Behind him, the noise from indoors rose slightly and then fell again as someone opened and closed the door, and then Richie came to lean on the railing next to him.

“What’s happening to me?” Eddie whispered.

Richie hummed tunelessly, looking out instead of at him, which Eddie was grateful for. “I mean, I can’t tell you for sure, Eds,” he said. “It’s happening in _your_ cute little head. But I think--” he paused, and sighed, and looked at Eddie after all. “We all--not you, but the rest of us who were there--we know _something_ happened, kinda right before you left, and we never knew all the details but--yeah. Something--not good. And I guess, seeing us all is probably dredging it all up for you--God, I probably shouldn’t have even come over to you two weeks ago but--”

“No,” said Eddie, “no, I’m glad you did.” Which was weird--just like everything else going on--because he was pretty close to needing to use his inhaler again, but he also meant it. He was happy to be there.

“Good,” said Richie, with a crooked smile. Eddie tried to smile back. He suddenly wanted several very conflicting things: he wanted to go home, but he didn’t want to talk to Myra; he _didn’t_ want anyone touching him, particularly not anyone larger than him and male, but he did want Richie to hug him. Then Richie leaned closer, just far enough to press his shoulder against Eddie’s, warm through Richie’s Hawaiian shirt, and the undershirt and button-down Eddie was still wearing from work. For a moment, it felt like all his conflicting wants had been fulfilled after all.

Eddie put his inhaler back in his pocket.

**_________________________________________**

**Richie’s phone**

_Monday, Oct 9_

**Micycle**  
8:45pm

Heyo Mikey

Not my name Richie  
Did you get into New York OK?

yea  
still wild to me that I have a gig here  
like who would pay money for me to travel just to listen to the shit i say?

You know you’re funny  
You’re funnier than we give you credit for, usually, we’re just all used to it

Aw Mikey that’s the nicest thing you've ever said 2 me

Don’t make me regret it!  
:)

wow an ominous smiley  
I uh actually texted cause i had a question  
not just to let you kno i got in OK

What’s up?

do u still have that creepy evidence scrapbook?  
from high school?

Probably somewhere, I’m bad about throwing old projects out  
Why though? I’d rather not pull it out again  
Especially if Georgie’s gonna be around

u don’t actually live with Bill u kno  
yet

Shut it  
I as good as live there, you know that

ok I’ll let u take that up with Bill sometime  
anyway i was just wondering  
I don’t know if u should get it out either  
I’ve just been thinking about stuff

Because of Eddie?

Yea  
Mike i don’t think he remembers any of it  
like not even why he moved in the first place

That’s also the impression I got

that sucks to like be missing a chunk of time like that  
but I really don’t want to sit down and tell him

Me neither  
I don’t think any of us want to do that  
I also don’t think reading my binder of articles would be any better

I know  
sorry i called it creepy, i know u were just trying to help in like a high schooler way

It’s OK it’s pretty creepy  
But yeah, at the time I thought I could like bring it into court or something  
And then I just started cutting out the court articles because it felt important  
Luckily I stopped eventually. It probably wasn’t healthy coping 101 or anything

we were all doing our best  
were you trying to help everyone involved?  
or mostly Bill?

I’d say yes and yes  
I didn’t love Bill then like I do now but he was definitely my best friend even then

[eyes emoji] love?

Hell don’t tell Bill  
I’ll tell him soon but I don’t want to move too fast  
He got divorced a year ago

[zipped mouth emoji] ur secrets safe with me  
although i don’t think you’re moving too fast  
when did you know?

Unfortunately not until he was married to a woman.  
I probably loved him already but that was a badly timed wake-up call

ugh  
tell me about it

Still Eddie?

maybe  
idk  
it’s been a long time, u kno?  
but he’s still in there in some ways  
and i’m a dork

Nah, you’re just a Loser

thanks Mike

<3

**_________________________________________**

**Eddie’s phone**

_Friday, Oct 13_

Search history:  
bill denbrough  
bill denbrough author  
richie tozier  
richie tozier comedy  
richie tozier comedy baltimore club  
richie tozier gay?  
derry, maine  
derry middle school  
derry elementary middle school  
derry georgie  
derry georgie denbrough  
derry georgie denbrough 1994  
derry news 1994  
chest pain  
heart attack  
am i having a heart attack  
trouble breathing  
breathing exercise help

**_________________________________________**

**Derry Journal**

Area man under investigation for child molestation  
_S. King, July 5, 1994_

Robert Grey, a part-time custodian at Derry Elementary/Middle School, was arrested Friday under suspicion of molesting at least four minor boys, all of whom are students of the school.

Sheriff Nell announced Grey’s arrest shortly after the overnight disappearance of one elementary school-aged boy, who was found the following morning near the house where Grey resides as caretaker. The boy was found with traumatic injuries, rumored to be sustained in his escape.

The initial investigation of…

**_________________________________________**

**Phone conversation transcript:**

Call from: Eddie Kaspbrak  
To: Richie Tozier  
12:11pm Friday, October 13

R: Yello?

 **E:** Hi, uh, Richie? This is Eddie--Kaspbrak.

 **R:** Yeah, Eds, I do have your number saved, remember?

 **E:** Well I didn’t--I wasn’t sure if you--you didn’t sound like--

 **R:** What’s up, Eddie? You sound kinda, uh...you OK?

 **E:** Yeah, I’m fine. I just--I’m fine.

 **R:** Aren’t you at work right now anyway?

 **E:** It’s my lunch break, asshole. What about you, aren’t you working?

 **R:** Nah, not right now, I’m just doing some tourist shit. Up here in _New Yahk_.

 **E:** Oh shit, that’s now? You’re there?

 **R:** Yeah I got a whole week up here--I’ve been like workshopping stuff each night at a couple small clubs and then I have a bigger gig tonight. Patty helped me find stuff, she’s like my unofficial manager.

 **E:** That’s--that’s pretty cool, Rich. Hey, maybe you’ll need a real manager soon!

 **R:** [aristocratic Voice] I think not for some time yet, my good sir. [normal voice] Anyway you didn’t call to ask me about that, what’s up? Did you miss my voice? Voices? My tender nighttime embraces?

 **E:** Beep beep, asshole. No I just--I was looking up some different stuff this week.

 **R:** Uh-huh.

 **E:** About Derry.

 **R:** Oh.

 **E:** [more quietly] What happened, Richie? Something happened that summer, didn’t it?

 **R:** What did you find when you looked it up?

 **E:** Different stuff. I looked up--I searched for stuff about Georgie. Bill’s Georgie. But they didn’t really use names in the news articles, huh?

 **R:** They generally try not to when it’s about kids--a kid.

 **E:** But there was something--this guy got arrested. For, like, touching kids and stuff.

 **R:** Yeah.

 **E:** Did we--did we know him? Was that--was Georgie--did--

 **R:** Hey, Eds, OK, breathe. It’s--listen. Your mom was the one who chose to move you guys, so if she, love of my life, won’t tell you why--

 **E:** She’s dead, fucknuts.

 **R:** Glad to hear you sound more sure of yourself there, Eds. Sorry about your mom. Well...anyway. She’s the only one who can know the whole reason but there was--yeah, there was some stuff that all of us Losers got into that summer. It--there was…

[a pause]

 **E:** Richie?

 **R:** Eddie. I meant it when I said that none of us really know exactly what happened to--what happened. And I don’t really want to give you my guesses on the phone while it’s the middle of your work day, does that make sense?

 **E:** Yeah, that’s--yeah, I get it.

 **R:** When I get back we can get together--I mean, all of us, or just you and me, whichever--and we can see what, uh, memories pop up, I guess. Or talk about it. Or just hang out, you know?

 **E:** Richie--were we friends? Like, good friends?

 **R:** Yeah, Eds. We were pretty good friends.

 **E:** I’m starting--I think I remember that, some. There was a hammock? And--we read comics together.

 **R:** Yep! Both accurate recollections.

 **E:** I wish I remembered more. I wish I remembered before now.

 **R:** Me too, Eds. I do, too.

 **E:** Don’t call me Eds.

 **R:** Whatever you say, Spaghetti.

 **E:** _Ugh_.

**_________________________________________**

**Richie’s phone**

_Saturday, Nov 4_

**Eddie Spaghetti**  
10:43am

Happy November, Spaghetti!

Hi Richie  
It’s November 4th, you’re a little late  
Also that’s the most capitalization I’ve ever seen you use

it was special for u  
what are you up to this fine morning?

Work

like office work?  
eds it’s a saturday!!

Yeah, I work half days on Saturdays  
You have work today right?

yes but i’m a server who moonlights at comedy clubs sometimes  
and i don’t go in till later  
You have a real job

Well my real job means sometimes I work on Saturdays

fair enough  
well this might be tricky then but what are you doing for Thanksgiving?

Richie that’s a Thursday, not a Saturday  
Myra’s family

you’re doing her whole family!?  
you’re a dog spagheds

Please don’t call me that  
Either of those things  
We get together with them

ok now for the money question: what are you doing two weeks from today?

Guess

not more work! Eddie that’s sad

Well not work necessarily. But I don’t have other plans so it’s a good guess

ok but consider:  
Friendsgiving with the Losers!!

What’s Friendsgiving?

it’s like Thanksgiving but with the people you really want to be with  
we always do a different day because some of us have family things like  
I have to go see Went and Mags on the actual day

Oh my God  
I remember your parents

ha  
I bet they’d remember you if I asked

Don’t  
I mean, I don’t know why not  
It would be weird right?

don’t worry I’m not gonna show up and be like ‘hey remember  
that neurotic little asshole who followed me around in middle  
school and read all my comics’?  
I’ll just see if you come up in conversation

Fuck you, you’re neurotic  
That’s fine

so what about Friendsgiving?

Where is it? What time?

Ben and Bev’s, they have the biggest place  
Bill and Mike both have pretty small places  
and Mike basically lives with Bill now  
don’t tell them I told you that

I won’t  
What about Stan and Patty

oh fuck has this never come up?  
i live with them, we’re near patterson park  
nice rowhouse, but it’s no Benverly house

You live with them both?

yea B-more rent for one person sucks if you don’t want to live  
in like a shithole

Aren’t they married?

yea it’s great i’m like their kid

Patty doesn’t mind?

no, Eds, Patty doesn’t mind  
neither does Stan  
it’s pretty great!  
I’ll move out someday if they like start having kids but for now it’s solid

Oh  
Cool  
I’ll see about Friendsgiving  
Maybe I can miss work  
What time?

u kno what i’m going to add you to the group chat  
idk why i didn’t do that already  
we can plan stuff to include you easily that way

Are you sure?

of course Eds, ur a Loser now! can’t get rid of us

 **Losers**  
11:02am

_You added Eddie Spaghetti to the chat_

**Richie**  
got tired of filling eddie in separately so he’s here now!

 **Eddie Spaghetti**  
Hi everyone

 **Richie**  
howdy spaghetti-o

 **Eddie Spaghetti**  
How do you leave this chat?

 **Micycle**  
Lol, you’re stuck now, sorry Eddie

 **Billiam**  
Welcome, Eddie!

 **Ben Handsome**  
Hi Eddie!  
Did Richie tell you about Friendsgiving?

 **Eddie Spaghetti**  
Yeah  
I’ll see if I can make it

 **Bevvie**  
We’re still kind of planning so if one time works better for you than another,  
let us know! We’re flexible

 **Eddie Spaghetti**  
Thanks, you don’t have to plan around me though

 **Bevvie**  
We want to!  
You’re a Loser too!

 **Richie**  
Bev in your attempt at a compliment you may have accidentally insulted  
Eddie worse than I’ve ever managed to lol

 **Eddie Spaghetti**  
Thanks Bev

**_________________________________________**

**Bev’s phone**

_Saturday, Nov 18_

**Ben <3 <3**  
7:46pm

Richie and Eddie are giving me middle school flashbacks

Ben dearest are you really texting me across our own living room to  
gossip about our friends?

You would!

I know [laughing crying emoji]  
that’s why I'm so surprised you are!  
I love you

I love you too  
They really are going at it though  
It’s a shame Eddie’s married

Yeah

What’s that face mean?

when he came in I asked about his wife and he said she thought  
he was at a work party

Hmm

I don’t want to assume things when we hardly know him still  
But you know how I kind of married my dad?  
and it was when we’d all kind of drifted apart right after college and I was  
living in a different city from any of you for the first time

Yeah

sorry I know you hate talking about it

I only hate it because he hurt you!  
You can talk about whatever you need with me!

I know and I love you for it  
well we really don’t know Eddie’s wife  
like even her name  
but you remember how his mom was?

Oh yeah  
Do you think she’s like that?

probably not totally the same  
but whenever I wanted to go hang with friends I would always lie to Tom  
about it, too

Oh  
Eddie kinda like broke away from his mom a little though, right?  
Like right before he left

yeah but he’s forgotten so much  
like he forgot he’s not allergic to all that  
what if he forgot that part, too?

:/

Exactly

 **Richie :)**  
7:58pm

where’d you and Eddie go?

balcony  
just chillin’

ok just checking  
make good choices, Richie

i should be offended but i’m going to think about the past and  
instead say yes ma’am

good

putting my phone down now

8:07pm

Bev  
i might have fucked up

**_________________________________________**

The more time Richie spent with--or texting--Eddie, the more parallels he saw between the feisty, short 14-year-old who’d been whirled suddenly out of his life so many years ago, and the still kinda feisty and short (“I’m 5’9”, Richie, that’s average for a guy”) almost 40-year-old who’d been dumped back into it just as suddenly. Twenty-three years apart meant that some things felt almost like Eddie but different; but there were also things that felt just like Eddie but _more_. He still spoke fast and with emphasis, chopping his hand to make points. He still disagreed vehemently with all of Richie’s gross suggestions or dumb jokes, in a way that showed just how closely he’d been listening. And now that he was starting to remember, he still insulted Richie with the same easy back-and-forth patter that they’d built up over years of friendly, loving antagonism.

There were a few more agonizing similarities, too. Richie’d already made a few mom jokes, but joking aside, he was keeping a mental list of the times Eddie refused certain foods or activities or just lifestyles with the excuse of his wife’s disapproval. And, well, wife aside, there was a certain depth to their patter--even their physical interactions--that Richie really really wanted to read into, but tried not to--because, again, wife. And like 23 years of separation. And repressed memories.

It was hard sometimes, though. Richie watched Eddie now, both of them leaning on the railing of Ben and Bev’s fancy-ass balcony, and tried not to openly stare at the way his strictly gelled hair was starting to come down just a little, or at the tie he was still wearing like this was a work event, but that he’d loosened considerably since arriving.

“Hey, Eds,” he said. There’d been a silence, and the Trashmouth was nothing if not useful for filling silences. Even nice ones, unfortunately. “You assess risks, right? What’s the risk we both fall off this balcony right now?”

“What the fuck, Richie?” said Eddie, reeling back from the railing like it was about to give way any second. Then he crossed his arms, narrowed his arms, and actually seemed to be considering it. “Are you drunk? Because that would definitely increase the risk. But, uh--” He nudged the iron railing cautiously, kicked at a support. “Ben’s good at, like, buildings and stuff. So leaning on this should be fine. _My_ risk is low; _yours_ depends on if you plan any stupid stunts, I guess, but--”

“I could probably make it,” said Richie, leaning out and squinting towards the ground just for the effect it had on Eddie, who yelped and grabbed his arm.

“Don’t be a dumbass-- _more_ of a dumbass,” said Eddie, tugging.

Richie had been kidding, but now he eyed the supports under the balcony as well as he could, and any useful-looking architecture around them, just for the heck of it. “I’ve climbed this far before,” he said absently.

“I don’t care _what_ stupid shit you did in college--” said Eddie.

“Not college,” said Richie. Eddie stopped tugging abruptly; Richie glanced back and watched Eddie blink and look worryingly blank for a moment, before snapping back from wherever he’d just gone and looking--touched?

“You used to climb into my window,” he said.

“Yeah,” said Richie. One of the last times he’d done that had been very shortly before Mrs. Kaspbrak had up and moved them both; she’d known about Eddie’s arm already, but then she’d found out what _else_ had happened when he’d broken it. Maybe; or maybe it had just been Georgie being found and Bob Grey’s arrest that had helped her put it all together. Richie still didn’t know. In the short time they’d had between shit going down and him moving, Eddie hadn’t really talked about it. But for the week before the unexpected move, Eddie’d been locked in his room, and Richie had climbed up every day to see him.

He couldn’t tell if that was the time Eddie was remembering or not. There were so many times. Sonia Kaspbrak would decide, seemingly at random, that Eddie couldn’t go out that day--that week--hell, for weeks at a time--so Richie would climb up and slither in Eddie’s window, and Eddie would hiss warnings at him about falling and dying, or, alternatively, about being caught. And then they’d lie tangled together reading the same comic, waiting for each other to be done before they turned the page. Richie had always read faster than Eddie, but he didn’t mind. He could just watch Eddie’s face with the extra time between page turns.

 _Something_ from those memories had to be going through Eddie’s mind right now. He dropped Richie’s elbow. “Richie,” he said.

“Eddie,” said Richie. He’d meant for it to come out jokingly deep and sincere, but he felt like he might have missed the “jokingly” part of that.

“I missed you,” said Eddie. “I forgot--I still forget so much--but I think when we first left--I missed you so much. Um, I mean--all of you.” His face looked dangerously near crumpling, and Richie knew that he himself would not be able to survive that. “I wish I didn’t forget. I wish I didn’t _leave_.”

“Hey, hey,” said Richie, trying (and probably failing) not to let the panic come through in his voice. He’d never been able to deal with Eddie distressed. The only thing worse than Eddie distressed was Eddie gone. “You’re here now, right? We’re all here now? Pretty crazy, when you think about it. And you’re, uh, in the group chat now and everything, so you know, you’re a Loser again, can’t get out of that, and--”

“Richie,” said Eddie, “shut the fuck up.”

“Right,” said Richie, “right, OK, shutting up now.” They were still standing a few feet apart. It felt like too close and too far at the same time.

“Can you, uh,” said Eddie, looking away like he was asking something embarrassing. “Would you--hug me?”

“Dude,” said Richie. “Of course. Always.” There was a joke there somewhere, but there was also Eddie Kaspbrak, looking back at him with his stupidly big brown eyes shining. Richie opened his arms.

They’d hugged a couple times already since their initial reunion, brisk, quick things at get-togethers when everyone was hugging hello and goodbye, and Richie had, of course, catalogued every sensation because he was hopeless like that. But this was something else; Eddie stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Richie’s ribs and just kind of buried his face in Richie’s shoulder, and Richie wrapped his arms around Eddie in return and felt every spot where they were pressed together, which was pretty much one big spot down the front of both of them. Eddie felt like Eddie, and also like a man. Holding a man was whatever, Richie had gotten over most of the repression and internalized shit in, like, college--OK, and a little after--after he came out to his friends and all. But it was _Eddie_. Eddie was _holding on to him_. Richie held on right back.

It wasn’t anything obvious. Richie was very sure that he _wasn’t_ hard, because he’d been kind of paying some attention to that in the hopes that he wouldn’t pitifully get hard just from another man hugging him. (It had been a little while, OK?) But after a moment, they both kind of sighed and adjusted, which included some shifting of hips, and when Eddie’s hip kind of brushed Richie’s crotch, Richie’s leg must have moved enough to brush Eddie’s groinal area in return. It _really_ wasn’t anything. Richie wouldn’t have thought anything of it if similar interactions had happened in a hug with him and _Ben_ , and Ben was the straightest guy he knew. Except that he _did_ think about it because what happened was he was holding Eddie, they moved, and then Richie was not holding anyone, and Eddie was several feet away curled up on the floor of the balcony and hyperventilating.

“What the fuck?” said Richie, caringly. That was the tone he was going for, anyway.

“Sorry,” said Eddie, staring at--nothing. It was definitely a little creepy. And worrying. “Sorry, sorry, sorry, fuck, I’m sorry--”

“OK, woah, hang on,” said Richie, crouching but not approaching. “Eds, Eddie, you’re fine. It’s all good, I was just startled. _I’m_ sorry, if anything. What, uh, is-- _are_ you good? Eddie, you know I--”

Maybe luckily, he didn’t finish the statement, because Eddie cut him off. “Sorry,” he said again, “I think I, uh, Richie? I’ve got, uh, I remember something--bathroom.” This last turned out not to be a memory, but a need, because Eddie was suddenly scrambling up and bolting back into the house. Richie rocked back onto his heels and considered what had just happened.

“Fuck.”

**_________________________________________**

**Richie’s phone**

_Same night_

**Bevvie**  
8:07pm

Bev  
i might have fucked up

Eddie just went through to the bathroom really fast

yeah  
he said  
we just hugged Bev  
he said he’s remembering things  
but like three guesses as to which things they are

you didn’t fuck up  
This whole situation’s fucked up but it isn’t your fault  
I’ll go knock

ok i’m coming too

**Eddie Spaghetti**  
8:14pm

Eds?  
I just was wondering how you’re doing  
you don’t have to talk about anything  
or like, come out of there  
Bev went back to the living room so it’s just me right now  
but i can get someone else  
just let me know  
like if you’re alive. Or conscious

sorry

Eddie it’s fine  
I’m gonna sit here in the hallway.  
let me know if you need anything. Or don’t say anything. Either way is totally fine.

**_________________________________________**

“Sorry,” Eddie told the toilet. He wasn’t sure what he was apologizing for. Maybe for throwing up, though he’d already flushed that away. He just knew that apologies were the way to go. There’d been a lot of apologizing back when he left--no, before he left, back when--no.

He couldn’t think it in words yet. But he could feel things, things kind of like Richie’s thigh innocently pressed to his crotch, except more pressed and less innocent. It wasn’t that Richie had meant anything, Eddie just couldn’t remember the last time he’d been touched...there by someone who wasn’t a doctor or Myra, both of which were very clinical touches. Only now, maybe, he could. And he could remember apologizing. Apologizing for crying, for being scared and not brave, apologies to his mother for breaking his arm playing near the Neibolt House, and more apologies later when he told her...some of the rest, and she screamed, she said things about AIDS and, and bad men who did--that, and it was catching, AIDS was catching and so was doing--that with men, maybe, and Eddie didn’t ever want to do that to someone and he was sorry sorry sorry--

He retched again without bringing much up--he hadn’t eaten much. His friends had tried, but there wasn’t much he _could_ eat…

But now he remembered _before_ going down to the Neibolt House, he remembered the day he’d learned about the gazebos--placebos, and a few days later when he finally snapped at his mom, dumping pills at her feet, throwing his inhaler and taking off--to go somewhere she would never let him, to go to the Neibolt House because it was _scary_ and _not allowed_ but he didn’t need to listen to her anymore because he wasn’t weak, the sickness and allergies and all were fake--and then when he got to the house--with the shed--and the caretaker-- _no_.

Eddie pulled some toilet paper off the roll weakly, and wiped his mouth and spat, and then wiped his mouth and spat again--and eventually managed to break the cycle and flush the toilet paper and pull himself up to wash his hands. He did this twice, focusing on the routine motions. His phone had stopped buzzing with texts from Richie, but when he turned the water off, he could hear him shifting on the other side of the door.

Eddie opened the door, just turning the handle and letting it swing open, and then went and sat on the floor near the toilet again--it was gross, and he needed to shower, but he also wasn’t sure how the conversation he was half-planning would go, and he suspected he would be thankful that the toilet was nearby.

Richie took the unlatched door for the invitation it was; rather than stand up, he just shuffled in until he was also sitting on the bathroom floor, feet pointed towards Eddie’s. “Hey,” he said softly.

“Richie,” said Eddie, almost a whisper. “Did you all _know_?”

**_________________________________________**

**Richie’s phone**

_Same day_

**Losers**  
8:55pm

 **Richie**  
Hey losers  
I kno eddie is in this chat but he has said that 1) i should  
type this and 2) he is going to not read these next couple  
messages

 **Stan the birdman**  
You guys OK in there?

 **Richie**  
Yeah now pay attention

OK to do this out of order: I told eddie as much as we  
all kind of knew about like neibolt and stuff. I said how  
he like stumbled out of there with a broken arm and  
somehow got to the clubhouse and we all got him  
home where his mom obviously freaked out. And then  
u kno how georgie was abducted for a night and then bob  
grey was arrested and all that stuff about him like  
touching kids came out, so we kind of guessed about  
stuff that might have happened to eddie. And then his  
mom took him out of there.

Second part of this is: eddie and I were hanging out just  
now and talking about memories and stuff and he basically  
remembered...the rest of it, i think. He says he went to  
neibolt the same day he basically told his mom ‘fuck it’  
about the placebos and stuff, and uh

Sorry guys

This makes me feel kinda sick but i’d rather type it than  
make eddie do it

U don’t have to read the next message if u don’t want to

But anyway he says bob grey did like...do stuff. Touch  
him, i mean. grey didn’t hide him somewhere like georgie  
so he was really telling the truth about breaking his arm  
falling down the stairs but it was b/c he was running away  
after. And eventually he felt guilty about like yelling at his  
mom and the arm and stuff and told her some of it and she  
freaked out and...there was definitely like some victim  
blaming? While she also kept like trying to ‘protect’ him u  
kno how she was. and that’s why they moved so suddenly,  
he didn’t even know she planned it

Ok that’s like the worst bit but yeah he figures he  
repressed it at some point shortly after moving because…  
trauma (ok he didn’t put it like that but u kno) and i bet  
if there was any way for sonia to like speed that repression  
along she definitely did so that’s the gist

 **Eddie Spaghetti**  
Sorry guys  
Richie’s throwing up now

 **Bevvie**  
Eddie you have nothing to apologize for

 **Richie**  
ouch no privacy  
just kidding  
I mean, it’s true i just vommed

 **Eddie Spaghetti**  
Sorry

 **Ben Handsome**  
Eddie, we’re sorry!  
That sucks that happened to you.  
If you want to go home now that’s totally fine but if you  
and Richie start feeling any better you can come back out  
and we can just talk about totally unrelated stuff for a little  
while

 **Eddie Spaghetti**  
Sorry about Georgie, Bill

 **Billiam**  
I don’t know if that’s like a general sorry or if you  
feel guilty but either way i already did my therapy  
time for misplaced guilt about that so you’re not  
allowed to feel guilty!  
But seriously you have nothing to apologize for

 **Micycle**  
We love you Eddie  
We’re glad you’re here now

 **Richie**  
i think we’re gonna like take a little more crying time  
in this here bathroom  
We’ll be out soonish  
Eddie says “send a heart”  
<3

 **Micycle**  
<3

 **Billiam**  
<3

 **Bevvie**  
<3

 **Ben Handsome**  
<3

 **Patty (mom)**  
<3

 **Stan the birdman**  
<3

End Part 1


	2. Part 2: Loss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life isn't fair. It's just fairer than death, that's all.
> 
> \- William Goldman, _The Princess Bride_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case it is not clear, a ~~strikethrough~~ means something typed and deleted without being sent.

**Bev’s phone**

_Sunday, Nov 19_

**Richie :)**  
9:34am

good morning sunshine!

Beverly  
ur lucky i’m awake

well I wasn’t sure, but I figured it’s worth a try

did u have something to say or are u just trying  
to give me a headache?

turn down your brightness, dummy  
I just wanted to check in on how you are

a tad hungover

like alcohol hangover or crying hangover?

ouch  
I hardly cried last night Bev  
ok i did but i think Eddie cried more  
have you checked on him yet?

yes, he isn’t responding

oh

I’m sure he’s fine, you’re welcome to try texting him yourself  
I just wanted to check on you too

can’t imagine why

come on Richie  
if Eddie’s hurting, you’re hurting. It’s always been like that.

uggggh  
why r u like this

perceptive?

yeah it’s annoying  
we talked about some of the good stuff he’d forgotten  
Bev I’m the worst  
I’m psyched that he’s like back in our lives, but being back in our lives  
is what made him remember like all his childhood trauma  
why am i happy about something bad?

you aren’t  
you’re happy about the good parts and sad about the bad parts  
that’s normal, Richie

I guess  
thanks dr marsh

you should really try out therapy again sometime

yeah so says everyone  
idk maybe i will

so you haven’t heard from him today either?

nah  
not since last night when he went home to his wife  
I’ve never met her so i really shouldn’t hate her as much as i do but...

well a little jealousy is normal

ugh am i that obvious

Richie dear you’ve never been subtle

wait never?

yes I am talking about our childhoods  
don’t worry, Ben didn’t think of it until recently

bless him  
you’ve got a good man there Bevvy  
you on the other hand…

I don’t think it’s just me who noticed but OK

huh  
yeah i mean i guess Mike has an idea  
Stan knows, doesn’t he

obviously

well it’s not like i’m in love with him  
i mean i definitely was when i was a kid

I know

shut it  
anyway i just care about him a lot, you know?  
and we’re older and we haven’t known each other for a long time, but  
Bev i don’t think i’ve ever loved someone the way kid me loved kid  
Eddie, and i think it wouldn’t take very long for me to reach that point  
with adult Eddie again  
basically, love sucks

I know hon  
thanks for telling me though  
we’re going to help him get through this

ok  
just promise you’ll help me thru it too

I promise  
<3

<3

**_________________________________________**

**Eddie’s phone**

_Wednesday, Nov 22_

**Bev Marsh**  
Sunday, 9:26am

hey Eddie I’m sure you’re feeling a lot of things  
I just wanted to say I’m sorry last night probably sucked,  
but I’m glad you’re back in our lives <3  
let us know if there’s anything you need!  
or want, you don’t have to need it  
we all love you!

**Richie Tozier**  
Sunday, 9:40am

hey spagheds  
I’m sorry repressed shit sucked  
but i’m glad we talked about the good stuff too  
let me know how ur doing or if u need anything

Monday, 10:04am

Hi eds just thought i’d check in  
I assume ur working b/c it’s a monday and u have  
no work life balance anyway but eh  
Anyway we don’t have to talk about anything but let me  
know if ur ok? I just don’t want to lose track of you again  
we just found each other  
Oh jesus that was sappy please do not bring it up later

Today, 2:43pm

hey hey it’s your not quite daily check-in  
if you want me to stop you’ll have to tell me urself  
but i will stop, if you want

5:13pm

Hi Richie  
Sorry I didn’t want to leave you hanging  
But I also don’t know what to say, I think I just need  
some time

No problemo mr spaghetto  
Seriously whatever u need

I don’t want to lose you either  
You all  
Mostly I think I need to tell Myra what happened but  
I don’t know how to bring it up

is that ur wife?

Yeah haven’t I said her name before?  
Anyway I know she’ll freak out but she deserves to know  
I’ll probably wait until after Thanksgiving

definitely maybe don’t do it AT thanksgiving  
also she doesn’t deserve anything  
not what i meant i guess  
it’s ur repressed memories and childhood trauma, u  
can do what u want with them

She is my wife though

i know

Anyway I think I need a little distance before I can talk about it  
So I might not text back for a little but I’m not trying to cut  
you all off I swear  
I just need time

Eddie i will give u whatever u need  
time is easy

 ~~Don’t say that~~  
~~I don’t deserve for anyone to~~  
Thanks, Rich

Sure thing Eds

**_________________________________________**

**Ben’s phone**

_Friday, Dec 1_

**Stan**  
5:23pm

Hey Ben are you at home? and/or is Bev there?

Yeah we both are! What’s up?

Can I bring Eddie there?

Did he text you? I didn’t think anyone had heard from him  
since Thanksgiving!

Nope  
I just found him wandering around in Patterson Park

Oh Jesus

That sounds worse and better than it is  
He’s not hurt, he’s just not doing great  
I think he told his wife about everything and it didn’t go well  
so he just left and went walking

Oh no, poor Eddie  
Of course you can bring him here but isn’t your place right there?

Yeah but Richie isn’t in, he’s working right now  
And Patty’s kind of taken over the downstairs with a meeting/gripe  
session of her coworkers, that’s why I was walking  
It was either try to spot birds in Patterson Park in December or listen  
to all the problems with BCPS HR and I’ve heard all those already

Gotcha  
And I’m guessing taking him home isn’t a good option?

Yeah I don’t know exactly what happened  
But I don’t want to do that yet

Of course  
Bring him here, we’re both happy to have you two  
Do you need me to come pick you up? It’s kind of cold to walk  
all the way here

Tell me about it  
Eddie didn’t grab a coat  
But no thanks, we are near my house so I’ll bring him there and  
grab my car  
See you soon!

OK, see you soon!

**Bev (my love <3)**  
6:02pm

Eddie just made positive noises when I said something about soup!  
Do you mind?

Not at all, I’m guessing something healthy?  
Is he talking at all?

Healthy-ish, I don’t think he’s worried about allergies  
Not a lot, he’s kind of a ball on the couch still  
It would be cute if I weren’t so concerned

Send Richie a picture  
We’re almost out of coffee, right?

Yes to coffee  
Thanks for doing the shopping, sorry I’m not there!

Not a problem  
I’m just getting the basics we really needed, we can postpone  
the rest of the weekly stuff  
And I’d rather you were with Eddie  
Does Richie know?

I texted him earlier, he’s working late-ish tonight I think  
He sent something back a few minutes ago, but he was just  
on a quick break

Got it  
How does Eddie feel about lentil soup?

Eddie is making questioning noises about sodium  
But he doesn’t sound opposed

I’ll get the low sodium one!

You’re the best, Mr. Marsh  
I love you

I love you too!

**_________________________________________**

**Eddie’s phone**

_Same day_

**Myra (ICE)**  
4:13pm

Eddiebear, you can’t be mad at me  
I just did it because I love you!!  
We only wanted what was best for you

4:45pm

Eddie where are you? I’m getting worried  
Eddie when you’re hurt I’m hurt, don’t be selfish about this!  
You have to tell me you’re OK, Eddie  
I love you, I would be so upset if something happened to you

5:02pm

Eddie where are you??!!

5:36pm

Eddie I’m so worried, I might have to call the police!  
I don’t even know if you’re reading these right now!

I’m fine

Eddie, Oh my God, you worried me so much  
Where are you? I’ll come get you  
Eddiebear?  
Eddie?

5:54pm

I’m not coming home right now  
I’m with some friends  
I’ll come home later but not right now OK Myra I just need some  
time to think

**Myra (ICE)**  
8:54pm

[26 unread messages]

 **Richie Tozier**  
8:54pm

hey Eds Bev told me you were at her place?  
she probably told you she told me  
anyway no pressure but if you want to talk you can hit me up whenever  
i work food service, i sleep at odd times anyway

Hi Richie

oh hey  
did not actually expect a response that fast  
how are you?

I don’t know  
I told Myra

i kinda gathered that from what Bev said  
what happened?  
if you want to tell me, you don't have to

She knew already

what?  
wait what the fuck?  
like this stuff that you just remembered she already knew?  
when did you meet her?

Met ten years ago  
She knew because my mom told her

oh shit dude

She was trying to protect me

which one?  
like i call bs either way but i’m curious

Mom  
Myra  
Both of them I guess  
No they were Rich  
It wasn’t like the best way I guess but they just wanted to help  
Like they didn’t want me to have to remember and to

to what?

to remember  
And to be line that  
*like that

like what?  
be like what, Eds?

Like him  
Like with boys and stuff  
They didn’t want that and i don’t wnat thyt Richie  
O don’t want tobe like him  
like  
dirty

hey eddie  
Eddie it’s ok  
hey are ben and bev there?

In ktchen im on couch

ok listen Eds  
you aren’t like that  
you would never hurt someone like that

But what ifi am  
Not with boys  
men

Eddie, there’s nothing wrong with liking men  
dude it’s definitely come up that i like men, right?

yeh  
*yeah  
also I googled you  
youre famous

eh, i did one interview for the sun  
but you don’t think i’m dirty, right?

Its different

I really don’t think it is, eds  
look, if you did like guys that would be fine, and if you don’t  
that’s fine too, and none of it has anything to do with what  
some creepy guy did to you when you were fourteen  
I promise

They thought it did  
That’s why my mom told myra  
Protect me

ok fuck that they were wrong  
you remember now, right? How ur mom lied to you?

But it’s because she loved me

that’s not a good kind of love eds

I don’t know richie  
I dont know idon’t know

Hey i’m gonna text bev to go check on you ok

I don’tknow

**_________________________________________**

Eddie’s hands were shaking a little too hard for him to keep typing. He curved around his phone, in the same spot on Ben and Bev’s couch where he’d spent the last few hours, and just watched the screen instead, the little glowing bubbles that proved Richie was willing to talk to him, to listen--well, read. He was only vaguely aware of both Bev and Ben appearing in the doorway from their kitchen, where they’d been cleaning up from dinner together, probably being adorable about it the way they seemed to be about everything. Mostly he was thinking about love. His mother had loved him, even if she’d probably had some mental illness affecting the way she expressed it. Myra loved him. She said so a lot. That’s why she protected him. But now Eddie looked at Richie’s last text, and up and Ben and Bev’s gentle hovering, and thought, _Oh. They love me too?_

“I don’t know,” he said out loud.

Ben went to sit in an armchair a little ways away. Bev came over to the couch, said, “Do you mind?” and then when Eddie shook his head, perched near his feet. He was curled under a throw blanket, since he’d been so cold when Stan first dropped him off--and left, eventually, because Patty was otherwise occupied and he’d needed to get dinner. Now Eddie shoved his socked feet against a couch cushion--still holding the blanket mostly around him with one hand--and managed to get himself a little more upright against one arm of the couch, still kind of curled in.

“What don’t you know?” said Bev.

Eddie had already forgotten he’d said that. He considered. “I don’t know how,” he said, aware he was about to sound incredibly pitiful, but also somehow aware that Ben and Bev wouldn’t judge him too hard, “to love right. Or be loved.”

“Oh, honey,” said Bev, as expected; and then, unexpectedly, “I’ve been there.”

“You?” said Eddie. He glanced at Ben.

“You heard me talking about my ex a little, right?” said Bev.

“I guess,” said Eddie. “Yeah. He sounds...bad.”

“Oh, he’s _real_ bad,” said Ben, sounding more serious than Eddie had ever heard him sound before.

“Now that you remember things--do you remember my dad at all?” said Bev.

Eddie thought about it. His immediate gut feeling when she said “my dad” was a bad one; when he thought harder, he could grasp some of the details--bruises and worse, and a certain control over Bev’s life that he’d always identified with. He made a face, mostly an exaggerated frown. “Yeah.”

“Well, Tom was basically like him,” said Bev. She glanced at Ben, too. “It was a time when I was kind of away from all the Losers, we lost touch for a bit--I needed something familiar. I just chose the worst familiar person I could, I guess.”

Eddie wasn’t dumb. He understood the parallels Bev was going for. “Myra isn’t like that,” he said. “She was just trying to protect me.” Both Bev and Ben looked at him without saying anything, and he resisted the urge to pull the blanket over his head. “I don’t know,” he said again, hearing his own voice rise in pitch and volume without really being able to stop it. “I don’t--it was just--that’s love, right, that’s love to want to help but maybe it’s too much love or too much help and there isn’t room for anything else and I don’t _want_ it.” Now he really did pull the blanket up.

“Honey,” said Bev again, and he felt her hand on his shoulder, which was when he realized his shoulders were shaking. To his own surprise, he pushed towards her instead of away, and Bev pulled him closer and wrapped her arms around him. She felt thin and small and tough, like the only thing keeping him from shaking all the way apart. Eddie stayed under the blanket for a while.

When he finally emerged, Ben had moved the chair a foot or two closer, but that was all, and he was smiling so kindly that Eddie almost started crying again. “What’s the right thing?” he whispered instead. “I don’t want--Myra’s love anymore. Not like that. But I don’t want nothing, I don’t want to be alone.”

To their credit, neither Ben nor Bev said anything about being right there for him, even as they continued to show it. “You know,” said Ben instead, quiet and earnest, “I think there’s such a thing as a happy medium, Eds.”

**_________________________________________**

**Stan’s phone**

_Saturday, Dec 2_

**Eddie K**  
11:24am

Hey Stan, thanks for your help yesterday  
I really appreciate it

No problem Eddie, I’m just sorry I couldn’t stay longer  
Are you still at Ben and Bev’s?

Heading home now  
Ben’s driving, we all got brunch first

That sounds nice  
~~Should you really be~~  
~~Do you really want to~~  
Are you gonna be OK at home?

Yeah thanks  
I think maybe I  
Sorry hit send early  
I think I might need to separate from Myra  
Maybe a divorce I don’t know  
I feel bad though

Why do you feel bad?

It’s not her fault I’m messed up  
Stan I really wanted to just stay at Ben and Bev’s for  
longer and just not go back but that would be so  
unfair. I can’t just leave her she cares about me a lot  
I don’t know

Eddie, life is unfair.

Oh gee thanks for that

No, seriously, hang on  
It might be a little unfair to leave her  
Or like text her and say “I’m leaving”  
But you know what else is unfair? Your mom and Bob  
Gray both doing shit to you that messed you up and  
made you unhappy.  
So sometimes you can’t make it fair for everyone. You  
just have to do your best for yourself.

Oh  
Thanks Stan  
I’m still not leaving my wife by text  
But I’ll talk to her and try not to feel guilty about it I guess

Hey if you feel guilty it just means you’re a good person  
As long as you do the talking, that’s what matters

Ok  
Thanks again Stan, I really appreciate you  
All you guys

We love you too, Eddie

**_________________________________________**

**Richie’s phone**

_Friday, Dec 8_

**Losers**  
5:56pm

 **Patty (mom)**  
Hey there losers! Hanukkah starts this coming  
Tuesday and while I’m sure we’ll throw together a  
last minute holiday get-together later in Dec as always,  
Stan and I wanted to invite you all to our place for  
dinner Tuesday night just in case you need a mid-week  
pick-me-up!

 **Bevvie**  
aw, thanks Patty! that sounds lovely!

 **Richie**  
what am i, chopped liver?  
i would also love to see all of you at the place where  
i, too, live!

 **Stan the birdman**  
Richie you can complain when you do the cooking

 **Richie**  
fuck you very much, Stan, i do half the cooking already

 **Stan the birdman**  
For Hanukkah

 **Richie**  
just because my parents were not rabbis doesn’t  
mean i should be discriminated against like this

 **Micycle**  
Bill and I will be there!

 **Richie**  
do you speak for him now?

 **Billiam**  
Beep beep Richie  
I speak TO him, we’re next to each other  
Patty or Stan (not Richie) what time?

 **Stan the birdman**  
Well it starts at sundown, so like 5?  
4:44, I just looked it up  
But you can get here afterwards if need be, I know  
that’s early

 **Ben Handsome**  
We’ll be there! Thanks Stan!

**Bevvie**  
6:02

have you guys heard from eddie lately?

not really  
he said thanks after we took him home last week  
like, texted to say thanks.  
have you?

not really either  
stan said he was saying stuff about talking to his wife  
Stan texted him like two days ago to ask how it was  
going, too, and eddie replied but he just said he’s  
working on it

well at least there’s a sign of life there

bev my darling i am usually all for the dark jokes  
but maybe not that one

it was only half a joke

[emoji like this :| but with teeth showing]  
Patty said she’ll give him a day or two and then text  
him an invite directly

hopefully his manners take over then!

yeah  
hopefully he’s ok

**_________________________________________**

**Bill’s phone**

_Sunday, Dec 10_

**Mike <3**  
10:01am

Babe I think I just saw Eddie’s wife

??!!  
How do you know it’s his wife?

Oh she was with Eddie

Bill! Maybe lead with our friend who we haven’t  
heard from in a week! Did you say hi?

Nope  
OK so you know I’m at the coffee shop where i  
like to write sometimes

“write”  
Sorry continue

Shut up, people watching is basically research  
Anyway, Eddie came in with this lady who honestly  
looks a little like his mom  
Like younger and blonder but otherwise...

Yikes

Yeah I didn’t think the oedipus complex was a real thing

Bill you took psych classes...  
Never mind  
Go on

Well that’s basically it, they were like on a coffee date  
I didn’t know married couples still did that?

We do that

We aren’t married  
~~yet~~  
Anyway, Myra (?) looked all happy and kind of like she’d  
never been to a coffee place  
And Eddie looked uncomfortable  
Oh and she yelled at the barista for not having the right  
dairy-free milk

Yikes x2

I know  
They didn’t end up staying that long  
I think Eddie saw me but he just made a face and like  
waved very small where she couldn’t see

Jesus, Bill  
He’s breaking up with her right?  
Like he’s getting a divorce?

I don’t know  
I think maybe, Bev said something like that when I  
talked to her last  
I’m just not sure where coffee dates fit in that

Me neither

Anyway they’re gone now so do you want to come get  
coffee with me?

We had coffee this morning  
I’m still in your house

so?

I’ll come get you at lunch time, we can get lunch

It’s a date <3

<3

**_________________________________________**

**Richie’s phone**

_Tuesday, Dec 12_

**Eddie Spaghetti**  
10:45pm

hey eds, we missed you tonight

Sorry Richie

woah, not a problem, just wanted to let u kno u  
were missed  
ur still up? how are u?

Ok  
I’m in the guest room

 ~~fight with the~~  
~~so like are you separated~~  
yeah?

Yeah, it’s pretty normal though  
Richie I want a divorce

with me!?

No dipshit  
With my wife

i mean i figured  
i won’t say it’s not a relief tho  
i mean that ur not divorcing me. but also maybe a relief  
ur divorcing her?

That’s the first time I ever said it straight out  
Or typed, whatever

still gotta try it on her? 

Yeah I keep chickening out  
I don’t know  
I just feel bad but I know staying married I won’t  
feel any better

hey, good start there  
u can practice on me if you want

I want a divorce

there u go  
want me to roleplay myra?

God no

good that wld be weird  
I wld do it for u tho, spaghetti-o

Thanks I think  
That’s definitely not my name.  
I don’t know what I would say next

well, i feel like “i want a divorce” pretty much speaks  
for itself  
like after that i have no idea

She deserves an explanation though

 ~~does she?~~  
you don’t have to give her one, man. It’s not required.

But what if I want to?

up to you, Eds

I want a divorce because you’re too like my mom  
No  
I want a divorce  
You’re controlling and manipulative and you knew i’m  
not allergic to things and you said i was and you and  
my mom talked about me and what happened and you  
didn’t tell me and i don’t love you and i can’t and you want  
me to love you and to not be

damn Eddie  
hey it’s been a minute, you ok?

Yeah sorry  
I thought i was gonna hurl

oh shit

I didn’t though

oh, sick  
well, not-sick  
u get it  
hey u still don’t have to tell Myra all that but i’m proud  
of u for putting it out there

It’s not all of it though Richie

that’s ok  
one thing at a time man  
go get ur divorce

I will I’ll tell her soon  
Thanks Richie

of course eds  
no problem  
~~i would literally do anything for you~~  
get some sleep ok?

Yeah  
I will  
Goodnight

goodnight!

**_________________________________________**

The first time Eddie tried to talk to Myra about divorcing, he didn’t even make it to the “talk” part. This was probably for the best, because even just typing the word “divorce” in his text to Stan, as Ben drove him home, had been hard, and he’d had to press send quickly--and twice, because his hand had been shaking--to keep himself from deleting it and taking it back. Saying it out loud might not even have been possible.

It didn’t feel for the best when the _reason_ they didn’t talk was that Myra freaked out as soon as he walked in the door, insisted on drawing him a hot bath--despite the fact that he hadn’t been out without a coat since the afternoon before; Ben had loaned him one--and then said “You must be so tired,” and left him in their bedroom in the dark. Eddie had crashed hard in Ben and Bev’s guest room after a day of heightened...everything, so he wasn’t tired at all, but he didn’t mind the alone time. He stared at the ceiling and made a mental list of reasons not to stay with Myra.

He already had a mental list of reasons _to_ stay with Myra. He hadn’t known that he did, but when he thought about it, he realized he’d been building the list for years. He’d added to it every time he got frustrated with her overbearing attention or her insidious control over pretty much every aspect of his life. _But she refills my meds without me asking_ , he would say to himself. _She remembers my allergies. She believes me when I say I don’t feel well. She takes care of me. She worries about me. She loves me._

He was still pretty sure she loved him. But now he wondered if the cons outweighed the pros.

The second time Eddie tried to talk to Myra about divorcing, she was watching one of her soaps. “Oh Eddie, of course we do,” she said, when he cleared his throat and said they needed to talk. He was standing in the living room doorway; she was sitting curled cozily on the couch. He wasn’t sure why he felt smaller than her. “You must feel like I’ve been ignoring you! Let’s talk after this episode--here, you come sit with me so you don’t feel alone.”

Eddie sat with her, because she’d said they would talk afterwards. Myra snuggled up to him and put an arm around him. Eddie felt smaller than ever. Even considering their sex life--they had sex with the lights off once a month or so, and it had been at least a month and a half since the last time--this was the most physical contact they’d had in...probably years. Eddie felt guilty for not enjoying it. When the show finished, Myra started talking about dinner options, and he didn’t stop her.

The next time Eddie tried talking about it, Myra tried initiating sex. She did so clumsily, and Eddie didn’t quite get what was going on for slightly too long; when he did, he claimed to have forgotten to send an important work email, went into the guest room where he also had his desk set up for the times he worked at home, and stayed there for the rest of the night. The next morning, he claimed he was up late and hadn’t wanted to wake Myra up by coming to bed. It was probably for the best that he’d slept separately, anyways, for multiple reasons, because he was pretty sure he’d spent more time waking suddenly from half-remembered nightmares than he did sleeping. He had to wash the sheets after a single night’s sleep, he’d sweat so much.

He spent the next night in the guest room, too.

Eventually, Eddie made it far enough into a talk to at least suggest there was something off about their relationship. To his surprise, Myra agreed. “We just haven’t been spending enough time together, Eddiebear,” she said. “Why don’t we set aside a special time just for the two of us? How about a date night?”

In Eddie’s mind, date nights ended in sex, and he really didn’t want to end up there again. “How about a morning thing? Like a coffee date?” he said quickly before remembering he hadn’t wanted to agree to any kind of date at all. Myra seemed so happy about it, though, that he felt bad cancelling. Maybe at the date, he thought. Somewhere neutral.

Maybe after the date, Eddie thought, trying not to make eye contact with Bill or the barista Myra was screaming down. When she’s calmer.

Myra wasn’t making it easy for Eddie, but he wasn’t making it easy on himself, either. Texting Richie helped. Eddie was trying to focus on Myra, on telling her before he gossiped to any of his friends, but when Richie reached out, he couldn’t help responding. The “practice” of venting to Richie via text made Eddie realize that maybe he needed to practice some more. When he drove to work the next day, he stayed sitting in his car in the parking garage, and stared at himself in the rearview mirror. “I want a divorce,” said Eddie, for the first time ever out loud.

He felt the all-over heat and tingling cold of a sudden adrenaline rush, and his vision blurred for a second; but then it was over, and he was still there, staring himself in the eyes in the mirror and looking resolved. “I want a divorce,” said Eddie again, and this time felt fine.

**_________________________________________**

**Eddie’s phone**

_Thursday, Dec 14_

**Myra**  
12:01pm

Myra what time will you be home tonight?  
I have something I want to talk about

I’ll be a little later tonight! I have a later shift at the hospital  
I have dinner all ready to go, though! My Eddiebear won’t  
be going hungry!

 ~~I don’t care about dinner~~  
What time is a little later?

I should be home by 6!!  
I’ll text you if I’m late, I know you worry!

OK  
Thank you

6:34pm

Myra are you on your way?  
I know traffic is bad, it’s OK if you’re late.  
If you get a chance to text, let me know, though.

6:57pm

I’m kind of surprised you haven’t texted?  
I don’t know if this is another avoidance thing but I really need  
to talk to you, Myra.  
I’m not mad we just have to talk.

7:13pm

OK I’m a little mad, not that you’re late but I’m mad about  
everything else. I can’t believe my mom told you i got  
assaulted as a kid. I can’t believe that you knew i couldn’t  
remember and you never told me anything. I’m mad  
because you and my mom had like a conspiracy to keep me  
from knowing anything about it because you were worried  
that what? I would grow up to also assault kids? Or were  
you worried about something else? Because i know my  
mom was worried about something else and if you were  
too and you didn’t tell me and you married me anyway  
then i don’t think that it’s all my fault this marriage has a lot  
of issues Myra!!

7:48pm

Myra I’m sorry  
Well I’m not sorry I feel that but I’m sorry I just sent it all at once  
Are you mad now?  
Where are you?

**Incoming call: Sinai Hospital**

**Richie Tozier**  
8:33pm

Richie  
are you working?

nah not tonight  
what’s up Eds?

That’s not my name  
Fuck sorry that doesn’t matter  
Myra was in a car accident

oh shit!  
were you there?

No she was on her way home from work and hit some black ice  
She’s in surgery  
It’s really bad Rich  
They don’t know if she’s gonna make it

fuck dude  
what do you need? can i do anything?

I don’t know  
No  
Sorry I don’t know why I texted you  
I just wanted to tell someone

hey it’s fine  
let me know if i can do anything though ok?

Fuck  
Richie I have to call her parents

do they live near here?

No they’re in New York  
I don’t know what to say  
Do I wait?  
I should call them now

i wish i could tell you man  
that’s gonna suck, i’m sorry  
i wish i could call them for you

Don’t be a dumbass

no, i mean it, i would if it would make any sense

oh

is it ok if i tell stanpats what’s going on?  
i’m looking at my phone all concerned and now they’re worried

Yeah I guess  
That’s fine but I don’t know what’s going on either

fair

I guess I’ll call her parents now  
Oh shit Richie  
The doctor’s coming back

ok go do what you have to  
but you better tell me if you need anything, eds. I mean it, anything at all

**_________________________________________**

Eddie supposed that he’d always known there was something wrong with him. This just helped prove it. _Your wife is dead_ , he said to himself sternly in his own head, as he followed the doctor who’d told him so--much more gently--through the halls of the hospital. _Your **wife** is **dead**_. It didn’t provoke any more emotion than the first time he’d thought it.

Maybe that wasn’t quite true. Eddie was aware of a whole maelstrom of emotions somewhere deep in his chest or gut or some other space inside him that didn’t quite align with his physical body. The problem was that, lately, the emotions that tended to crest high enough to actually make it into his brain were the ones related to the thought _I want to leave my wife_. Now Myra was gone, but it was because she was dead, and when the two conflicting waves of emotion related to those two facts both tried to hit Eddie at the same time, they somehow cancelled out and left him numb and cold.

The doctor had come to a stop and was talking. They’d moved Myra out of the operating room to a small private one, at least for the moment, and judging from what the man was saying, she was mostly decently covered with various sheets. Also judging from what the man was saying, Eddie’s outwardly frozen expression had concerned him, and he didn’t want Eddie to think he was required to see her.

“I’d like to,” said Eddie. “It won’t be the first--my mom died, years ago. I saw her then.”

Afterwards, he wondered why he’d made the connection.

Inside the room, Myra looked almost like she was sleeping, but the environment was all wrong. So was something about her expression. Eddie stared at it and tried to feel something. “Could I please have a moment alone,” he said after a minute, and was surprised a minute later to look up and realize his request had been granted.

“Myra,” said Eddie, and looked at her some more. He thought about their marriage, the beginning and more recently; and he thought about his lists: reasons to stay and reasons to leave. He didn’t have time to say much.

“Myra, I want a divorce,” said Eddie quietly, and then turned and left the room.

**_________________________________________**

**Richie’s phone**

_Same day_

**Eddie Spaghetti**  
8:54pm

Can I call you?

End Part 2


	3. Part 3: Lovers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Use a happy _medium_ , for heaven's sake."
> 
> \- Madeline L'Engle, _A Wrinkle In Time_

**Bev’s phone**

_Friday, Dec 15_

**Eddie!**  
4:36pm

Eddie, I just got home! Did you leave?

Yeah sorry  
Just a little bit ago, I had to drop by the office  
And grab some things from my house  
I’m at my house now, I can stay here

Eddie, you don’t have to stay away!  
Ben and I are happy to have you here, this place is too big for  
just us two, really

Ok  
Thanks Bev

Of course, honey, we’re happy to have you  
Your boss didn’t make you come into work did he?

No  
He told me to stay home  
But we had a report due today and if I let Leon finish it he would  
have fucked it up, I know exactly the mistake he was going to make,  
so I had to go in and make sure he knew not to fuck up but I didn’t  
stay long

Of course  
Can’t let Leon fuck things up

Exactly!!

Well you just get whatever you need and come right back  
here, OK?  
We get pizza on Fridays pretty regularly, is that OK with you?

Yeah  
You don’t have to buy me food

Well, maybe I want to  
Hon, you’re allowed to need help or just special treatment  
for a little while, your wife just died

Bev

Yes?  
You’ve been typing for a minute there Eds

It’s not like I was in love with her

And?  
It’s still ok to be sad

Duck  
*Fuck

Yeah  
I got it the first time  
Can I come pick you up from your place?

No it’s ok I want my car there  
I’ll be fine to drive soon

OK hon

Thanks

_Saturday, Dec 16_

**Richie :)**  
11:42am

how’s eddie?

well, our house is cleaner than I’ve ever seen it

like that huh?

he’s not despondent, just very focused

hmm  
take any more 40 min showers?

not since you brought him here from the hospital  
I think that was more of a “I was just in a hospital” shower

makes sense  
you’d think he’d be used to hospitals after his mom  
i guess it’s been a while tho

yeah, and it might be different with someone else  
or maybe super long showers are always how he copes!

and cleaning his friends’ houses

yup  
I didn’t even know our grout could get that white!

oh like cleaning-cleaning

oh yeah he moved past wipes hours ago  
I’m pretty sure he brought cleaning supplies from his own  
house over

shit

Yeah :/

send him to our place next lol

I mean I would, but not just so he can do your laundry

damn  
well, keep me updated Marsh

will do, Toze  
you could text Eddie, too

yeah but he won’t tell me shit like this

very true

**_________________________________________**

All the Losers had been working on very hesitantly showing Eddie that they cared about him and were there for him, even as their own emotions about his wife’s death, presumably, varied widely. Richie would never have wished death on _anyone_ \--except maybe for some particularly vindictive childhood bullies, half-seriously; and, of course, Bob Gray, with perfect seriousness. Myra might have been terrible in a lot of ways, based only on Richie’s knowledge of her through Eddie, but she hadn’t deserved to hit a patch of black ice and _die_. But Richie really really didn’t mind that Eddie was free of her. He guessed it was like Bev had sent after Friendsgiving; he was sad about the sad stuff, but definitely happy--if quietly--about the potentially good stuff that came with it.

Richie brought Eddie straight to Ben and Bev’s house from the hospital on Thursday night, because he didn’t want to take Eddie to his own empty house, and Ben and Bev were the only Losers with a guest room. Over the course of Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, every other Loser somehow “just happened” to show up there for a meal--not all at once, but still. Eddie had definitely noticed, but he hadn’t said much. Richie knew this because he’d made it to almost all of the meals, despite shifts at the restaurant both Friday and Saturday. He was also the only additional Loser to come to dinner on Monday; Eddie had, apparently, taken a day off of work, which seemed more than reasonable since his _wife had just died_. Also apparently, Ben had found him literally using a toothbrush--and the appropriate chemicals, of course--to clean the intricate ironwork of their balcony railing. He texted Richie about this unprompted, and Richie invited himself to dinner.

Dinner was nice enough. Richie talked a lot, because that was what he did, and got Eddie to smile on three separate occasions, one of which times also included a very subtle snort-laugh. They all talked about their respective college memories, a time when Bev and Richie had got up to many shenanigans together, and Eddie hadn’t met Myra yet, which seemed important. Then they moved to the living room, where Bev threatened to show an old YouTube video of Richie’s standup, and then put on the Great British Bake-off instead, which provided a sort of gentle background of people being polite and British.

All in all, things seemed to be going about as well as they could have been expected to, which was why it was so startling when Eddie suddenly sat bolt upright--he hadn’t been leaning _on_ Richie, but definitely leaning _towards_ him--and said, “Sorry.”

“What?” said Richie, but Eddie wasn’t really talking to him.

“I’ll go home tomorrow,” he went on. “I should--I probably should have today, I’ve been putting it off.”

Bev and Ben, on their adjacent couch, exchanged a married-couple-who-share-a-brain look, although Richie could pretty much understand it, too. “You don’t have to go home if you don’t want to, Eds,” said Bev.

“I should though,” said Eddie, and then, again, “sorry.”

“What are you sorry for?” said Ben.

“Oh,” said Eddie, as though it was obvious, “for taking up space.”

If he’d said “taking up your guest room,” or “taking up space _in your house_ ,” it would have been maybe a little less sad, but he didn’t. “Eddie,” said Richie, putting a hand on his shoulder carefully. “That’s kinda like--you’re allowed to do that. As, like, a human being. We all take up space, we can’t help it.”

“Well, you know what I mean,” said Eddie, waving a hand. Richie felt like he _did_ know what Eddie meant, and that it wasn’t what Eddie was implying, but he didn’t know how to say so, so he squeezed Eddie’s shoulder instead. “Tomorrow,” said Eddie, slumping again just a little. “I’ll leave tomorrow.”

**_________________________________________**

**Eddie’s phone**

_Tuesday, Dec 19_

**Mike Hanlon**  
5:12pm

Hi Mike, I have a question for you

Hey Eddie! What’s up? How are you?

I’m fine  
Does the library take book donations?

Yeah, usually  
We can sell them in one of our book sales if we don’t  
put them on the shelves!

OK  
Are you sure?  
It’s a bunch of really terrible romance novels  
Well, I haven’t read them but I don’t think they’re good

Yeah, everything sells eventually  
Are you working on cleaning stuff out?  
Do you need any help?

I’m fine  
But thank you  
Just finding places to get rid of things

Gotcha  
Well I can let you know where to drop books off, but I could  
also swing by and pick them up if you like. I’ll bring a receipt  
and everything.

That would be good actually  
If you pick them up  
Thanks, Mike

No problem, Eddie  
And please let me know if there’s anything else I can do to help

OK  
Thank you

_Wednesday, Dec 20_

**Patty Blum Uris**  
6:32pm

Hi Patty, this is Eddie Kaspbrak

Hi Eddie!  
I saved your number, don’t worry. And you’re in the group chat :)

Oh right  
Sorry I didn’t come to your Hanukkah celebration

No worries, Eddie, you had stuff going on!  
Is that why you texted?

Partly, but also do you know what this is?  
[attachment: 1 image]  
And do you want it?  
It’s been in my kitchen for years but Myra never used it

It looks like an electric spiralizer

Thank you but I still don’t know what it is

Haha it’s for making things like zoodles  
Cutting up vegetables into thin spiral strips

Oh  
So would you like it?  
Unless you already have one  
Otherwise I’ll probably donate it

In that case, I’ll take it  
Although you could probably sell it, Eddie, it looks unused

It is unused  
But I don’t really have time to go through all that  
It’s yours, I can bring it over tomorrow

Don’t worry about it, I’ll send Richie to fetch it

Oh  
Yeah that works

_Thursday, Dec 21_

**Beverly Marsh**  
6:37am

Hi Bev  
Oh sorry this is early  
Never mind, I’ll text later

8:05am

Hey Eddie, what’s up?

Hi  
Sorry to text so early  
And you might not have an answer for this which is OK

Hon you haven’t even asked a question yet

I’m getting there  
Do you have like a favorite place to donate clothes?  
And/or do you want some clothes that won’t fit you?  
I don’t know if you could alter them but it probably isn’t worth it  
Sorry  
I’m just trying to get Myra’s stuff out of the closet

Don’t worry about it Eddie  
I probably won’t take anything for myself, but I can send  
you a list of a few of my favorite thrift stores!  
Is her family going to want any of it?

No  
Well, her mom doesn’t  
Well, she wants a couple things but I’m holding onto those  
I didn’t ask her cousins but they’ll be fine

That sounds reasonable to me!  
Can I look up a few links and send them to you?

Sure  
I’m at work now so I can’t do anything until this evening anyway  
Thanks, Bev

Of course! <3

**_________________________________________**

**Richie’s phone**

_Friday, Dec 22_

**Billiam**  
6:22pm

no I have not heard from eddie today

OK thanks  
Just wanted to check

but I have heard from stan and bev and ben all asking  
me if i’ve heard from eddie  
so what’s going on?

No one’s heard from him since yesterday I guess  
And you’re probably the most likely to have  
Heard from him, I mean

the word heard now looks meaningless to me  
i haven’t seen or talked to him since i picked up that instrument  
of torture from his house like two days ago  
by which i mean a pretty nifty spiralizer

Yeah  
Mikey picked up some books like Monday or Tuesday

well, cleaning is how eddie expresses emotion

That’s not fair, Richie

it is true tho  
but i know  
I’m just worried, like u all i guess

Yeah  
I don’t even know when the funeral is

me neither  
ask him in the groupchat

No way  
You ask

absolutely not  
make mike do it

Make Stan do it

Jesus

 **Losers**  
6:31pm

 **Stan the birdman**  
Hey, Eddie, when is your wife’s funeral?  
We want to be there, if that’s OK with you

 **Eddie Spaghetti**  
Oh  
It’s tomorrow  
You shouldn’t come  
Sorry, I mean, thank you, but it’s really just a small graveside service  
with her family  
I think they’d be a little confused if there were more people  
Myra didn’t have a lot of friends either

 **Richie**  
hey, we’re your friends  
not saying we have to come to the funeral  
just saying there’s no “either” about it

 **Billiam**  
That makes sense, Eddie, but let us know if you change your  
mind, OK?  
Even if it’s last minute, I don’t have anything to do until Christmas Eve

 **Eddie Spaghetti**  
OK  
Thanks guys  
I’ll probably text you all after

**_________________________________________**

**Eddie’s phone**

_Saturday, Dec 23_

**Richie Tozier**  
8:45am

hey eds, I’m not sure what time funerals are but i’m only  
working like two hours tonight, and not until 7pm  
so if you need to call or anything, feel free  
any time  
honestly even if i’m at work

2:46pm

**Calling: Richie Tozier**

**_________________________________________**

**Phone conversation transcript:**

Call from: Eddie Kaspbrak  
To: Richie Tozier  
2:46pm Saturday, December 23

 **R:** Hey Eds, what’s up?

 **E:** [breathing, not heavy but definitely audible]

 **R:** Eddie?

 **E:** [quietly] Hi Richie, sorry, I shouldn’t have called.

 **R:** Eddie, I literally told you to call any time today.

 **E:** Yeah but I’m still at the funeral. Well, not really, the funeral’s over. I’m at the cemetery, her family is still here.

 **R:** I assume you’re not, like, standing in front of all of them yelling at your phone?

 **E:** No, I said I needed a minute, I’m kind of behind a big memorial.

 **R:** I think you’re OK then.

 **E:** And the service is done, there isn’t really anything left to do. Unless I watch them bury the casket.

 **R:** You don’t have to stay for that, Eddie. I mean, I haven’t been to a lot of funerals, but I’m pretty sure.

 **E:** I can see them though.

 **R:** Who--oh, her family still?

 **E:** Yeah, her mom--her mom is really sad, Rich.

 **R:** Well, yeah, that--

 **E:** That’s her--that’s her _daughter_. Oh, God, Richie, what if we--what if you had a daughter and she died, that’s not--that isn’t--

 **R:** Hey, Eddie, breathe for me buddy--

 **E:** What if _you_ died and Maggie was still--what if your parents had to go to your--why is it so _sad_?

 **R:** [uncertain soothing noises] It’s sad when someone dies, Eddie. I’m sorry.

 **E:** No but you don’t--it’s that, but--[whispered, fierce] why is she crying but I-- _why don’t I feel like that?_

 **R:** Eddie--

 **E:** [just one quickly choked-off sob]

 **R:** Hey, Eddie, where are you? What cemetery?

 **E:** New--New Cathedral.

 **R:** OK, hang tight. I’m gonna come pick you up.

**_________________________________________**

**Richie’s phone**

_Same day_

**Mags**  
5:30pm

hey Mom, sorry to spring this on you last minute, but I don’t think  
I’ll make it home for Christmas  
I would call you with this earth-shattering news but i don’t want  
to wake my friend up

Oh, Richie, we’ll miss you!

I have an explanation i swear

I figured there had to be some good reason for you to  
miss your dad’s brisket!

oh damn i didn’t even think of that  
do you think it would hold up in the mail?  
jk

What’s “jk”?

it means just kidding  
i thought i’d taught you that one, Mom  
anyway, explanation:  
remember me saying at Thanksgiving that we met Eddie  
Kaspbrak again?

Oh, Eddie! You used to have such a crush on him!

MOM  
MOTHER  
MAGGIE

Well, I didn’t know at the time, but I really should have!  
I can’t believe we didn’t know you were gay until you told us…

ok hang on, devastating as it is that you’re funnier than  
me, let me finish explaining  
Eddie’s wife just died

Oh no! You didn’t say he was married!

it’s kinda complicated, they were probably gonna get divorced  
but he’s still pretty shook up

I can imagine!

she only died like a week ago but he only took 1 day off work  
and was kinda trying to just push thru it all i think  
but he kinda broke down at the funeral today  
i don’t want him to go home to his empty house for Christmas

Is his mother still around?

Nah, she died years ago

Oh, good

MAGS  
you are brutal today

I didn’t mean good she’s dead! Just good he won’t be with her!  
I never liked Sonia Kaspbrak much

you and me both mom

So you’re keeping Eddie company? Are Stan and Patty gone?

no, they visited Patty’s family earlier during hanukkah  
but when i say i don’t want him to be alone  
i kind of mean i want to be with him  
i mean, i want to be with you guys too but i’ll visit as soon as i  
can in january, and this is kind of a one-time thing, you know?

Of course, that makes sense, Richie.  
You should be there for him.  
He probably wants you there, too.

i don’t know, but he might  
when i said i didn’t want to wake up my friend, i meant Eddie  
we’re just on the couch but he wore himself out earlier and he’s  
kinda asleep on my lap now

Aww <3  
Very cute

Mom his wife just died  
i mean i do find him cute most of the time  
oh shit that sent  
anyway what i was going to add is that right now he’s more sad  
than he is cute  
fuck

Richie, I could tell as soon as you tried to bring him up casually  
at Thanksgiving that you had some kind of feelings for Eddie  
(still? again?).  
You know we love you no matter what.  
But you’re right, his wife did just die, so make sure you  
look after yourself too, OK dear?

thanks Mom  
i love you guys too  
i’ll do my best

And you better at least call us on Christmas!!

**_________________________________________**

**Bill’s phone**

_Monday, Dec 25_

**Mike <3**  
5:34pm

Merry Christmas!!

Merry Christmas to you too, dork  
Did you make it OK?

Just got in a minute ago!

How was traffic?  
I can’t believe you drove all the way from Baltimore to  
Derry today

Believe it, baby  
Traffic was pretty good  
And hey, I wanted Christmas with you and with my family, and  
since you wouldn’t come visit with me...

I’m sorry Bill, I will next year  
I just didn’t know if it was too soon  
I mean you didn’t get divorced THAT long ago

I don’t think it’s too soon, and I doubt mom and dad would either  
Obviously Georgie already loves you  
But i get it, don’t worry  
I also get that it takes a lot to get you back to Derry

I mean, you should probably be more opposed to it than me  
But I guess it doesn’t work that way

Well, I was thinking of what happened with Georgie, sure,  
but also, as long as i don’t like open my mouth i kind of fit  
in with the population here, and you don’t. I might have got  
called a lot of things when we were kids, but none of them  
were racist slurs.  
It’s all good  
Are you doing anything this evening?

Yeah, Ben and Bev went to visit his mom, so I’m going to have  
dinner with the other three  
And Eddie, he’s there too

I’m glad he’s there  
Richie decided to stay?

A couple days ago I think, yeah  
I’m glad, too  
I don’t know what Eddie’s plan would have been otherwise, rattle  
around in his lonely apartment and get take-out I guess

God that’s depressing  
Give him a hug from me when you go

I’m on my way out the door right now, actually!  
I will!  
And Merry Christmas to you, too!  
<3

<3

**_________________________________________**

Richie was a surprisingly good cook. Eddie had seen texts suggesting as much, but he’d never actually gotten a chance to inspect the evidence first-hand until now. He’d had very little appetite ever since...well, it was hard to say precisely when, but Myra’s death hadn’t exactly made him feel _more_ like eating. But with Richie’s stir fry in front of him, and the reassurance in the back of his mind that he actually wasn’t allergic to any of the ingredients, Eddie ate enough that none of the others gave him any worried looks, at least not about his food intake.

There had been a lot of worried looks lately. Eddie had to admit that he’d earned them; he wasn’t even entirely sure what was going on with himself. And despite the looks, the other Losers--including Patty, who appeared to have become an honorary Loser shortly after she and Stan had started dating--were good about not actually _doing_ anything until it became very clear that Eddie kind of needed them to. Case in point was the way none of them had insisted on coming to the funeral, but Richie _had_ insisted on picking Eddie up. Not that Eddie had argued.

He’d been sleeping on the couch in Stan, Patty, and Richie’s townhouse ever since--two nights. Just like when he’d stayed at Ben and Bev’s, he knew in the back of his mind that he couldn’t stay forever; aside from everything else, he was too old to sleep on a couch for very long without feeling it during the daytime. But he didn’t really want to think about that at the moment. He also didn’t really want to think about the funeral. Having the others around was nice and distracting, for the most part--except for when they did hit him with one of those worried looks, when they thought he couldn’t see, and Eddie’s own worries came back to him.

“I’ve got to get moving a little,” said Mike, stretching and leaning back--he was on one side of Eddie, sitting on the couch, and the motion was enough to jolt Eddie out of his swirling thoughts. “Richie, that was delicious, but I think I need to walk some of it off.”

“It’s not 34th street, but there’s some cute lights on some of the houses around here,” said Patty brightly. “And some nice displays in the park itself, we could walk around and look at Christmas lights.”

“You’re very excited about Christmas lights for a Jewish person,” said Richie, and then, when Stan looked unimpressed, “Hey, I’m allowed to say these things, I’m Jewish too!”

“Half,” said Stan, still unimpressed.

“I like pretty things,” said Patty, nose in the air.

“Why do you let Richie live here then?” said Eddie, and Richie--on the other side of Eddie from Mike--put his hands to his chest and convulsed in fake offense while everyone laughed.

Somehow, shortly after that, it was decided that the others were in fact all going to go for a walk and look at Christmas lights; even Richie, who had to be pulled protesting off of the couch by both Mike and Stan together, while Eddie shoved ineffectually at his shoulder. Then they were all standing, reaching for various pieces of shoes and outerwear, and Eddie was still in the middle of the suddenly empty couch. He pulled one knee up and put his arms around it.

“Aren’t you coming, Eddie?” said Mike.

“No,” said Eddie. This prompted a few variations on the normal worried looks, which just further convinced him against going. They would be back, but he needed a little alone time. “I just, uh, I’m a little tired,” he explained, which wasn’t a lie, “and I could use a, uh, moment. Alone.” This sounded incredibly ungrateful, and he tried to explain, but before he could get out more than a few apologetic syllables, Stan interrupted.

“That makes sense,” he said gently. “It can be hard to find space to be alone in this house. We won’t be gone for long.” That last seemed aimed a little more at Richie than at Eddie, and Richie nodded a little, and glanced away from Eddie for the first time since he’d said he wasn’t coming. Eddie took the opportunity to look Richie over, instead.

“Don’t you own gloves, dipshit?” he said. “You’re gonna get frostbite and lose a fingertip. At least take some with you.” Any tension that had remained broke, and Richie laughed and flipped him off and took some gloves when they left.

Eddie took advantage of their going to clean. A little. Well, it was a little in that he focused on the kitchen, and didn’t even bother touching any other rooms in the house; it was probably _not_ a little because his first step was to do the dishes, and his second was to get everything off the counters so he could bleach them.

With the same part of his mind that knew he wasn’t allergic to anything, Eddie knew that the cleaning was probably an issue. Mostly, he tried to ignore this knowledge. It was at least a productive issue, and as far as ways to keep himself from thinking too hard about anything else went, it was certainly more healthy than drugs or alcohol. Not that he would ever have considered drugs.

Eddie had always considered himself a tidy person. Even Myra hadn’t been as obsessive as him about keeping things clean, though she had encouraged it--but obsessive was probably a bad word choice, or maybe an uncomfortably accurate one, and also Eddie was trying not to think about Myra. Now, though, he wondered if the cleanliness had to do with other things, things that he also had been working pretty hard not to think about during these last couple months.

Eddie replaced things neatly on the clean counter, and turned to scouring the sink. It wasn’t too gross, so the process was quick, but Stan and Patty didn’t own any dishwashing gloves, so his hands felt grimy by the time he was done. He scrubbed at them, still thinking--trying not to think--about being clean. He knew, he _knew_ , that the things he worried about--the things his mother and Myra had worried about, until he couldn’t help worrying too--weren’t things that were actually dirty or transmittable, weren’t things that washing his surroundings or himself would do anything about. But there were stereotypes, right--maybe kind of out of date ones, but still--and Eddie cleaned and organized and worked hard so that he didn’t fit them. He wore nice clothes and did his hair carefully, but only nice and carefully enough that he looked _professional_ , not...anything else. He lived in a nice, upper middle class house, and he didn’t drink or party, and he had a good, stable job, and he’d had a _wife_ , for God’s sake, who’d loved him, and everyone who saw him could see, could _know_ that he was straight, because he _looked_ straight, which was the important part, the looking, no matter what else Eddie was starting to realize, or remember, about the _being_ , which was that he was actually probably--

Stan, Patty, Mike, and Richie came back in by the back door, which opened directly into the kitchen, and it wasn’t until they did that Eddie realized he’d been washing his hands for about the last ten minutes. They hurt. He turned off the water immediately, but there was still soap or something on them, so he turned it back on, and kept washing. “Eddie?” said someone--Eddie didn’t know who, except that it wasn’t Richie. Eddie shook his head and kept washing.

“Eddie,” said someone, and this time it was Richie. Eddie blinked, trying to see what he was doing, and realized he was crying. Richie wrapped his arms around Eddie from behind and pulled him back, away from the sink and the still running water, and Eddie reached towards it without being able to help himself, like there was a rubber band between him and the sink that was tugging him back in; and then Richie pulled him all the way to the kitchen doorway, and Patty turned off the water, and the rubber band snapped. Eddie sagged in Richie’s arms, crying harder, and hardly noticed when Richie turned him gently around, wrapped his arms around him again, and started swaying slightly, Eddie’s stinging hands tucked into the space between their chests.

**_________________________________________**

**Richie’s phone**

_Same day_

**Stan the birdman**  
11:42pm

Was that you coming upstairs just now?

yeah  
he fell asleep finally, i was able to get him kind of settled  
on the couch  
Stan that was scary as shit

I know  
For us too  
You did all the right things, Richie

i guess  
we never even talked about it or anything  
i mean, i guess we all kind of know some of what’s going on  
but isn’t this the sort of thing you’re supposed to talk about?

Well  
I think it’s an understatement to say Eddie has a lot going  
on right now  
And I think at some point he’ll need to talk about it  
But sometimes he’s just going to need someone to hold him  
while he cries

well i volunteer as tribute then i guess  
we also watched several episodes of Big Mouth while  
he calmed down  
he fell asleep during them  
didn’t know that was possible

How are you doing Richie?

is it dramatic to say i never knew i could feel so many emotions  
at the same time?  
fuck it, it’s true  
i guess i’m a little worried that i’m just useful because i’m here  
not because i’m me or anything  
like does he want me to be the one to hold him?

Richie, he was clinging to you

eh he’s not in his right mind

Ok first of all, stop trying to make yourself unhappy  
Second of all, I wouldn’t say that, I would say his emotions  
are real, and his boundaries are lowered  
Also, obviously this doesn’t necessarily mean anything  
about right now, but you know how you felt about him when  
you were kids?

well yeah  
did you know then?

I mean  
You weren’t entirely subtle, Richie

damn everyone telling me that

Well I’m also trying to say that neither was Eddie

??

Richie, he had at least as much of a crush on you as you  
had on him  
We both know why neither of you were going to act on it  
And like I said, it doesn’t necessarily mean anything about  
him now, but I wouldn’t write him off too easily either. You  
are going to have to be patient, though

i can do patient  
maybe not all the time  
but for Eddie

I know you can

_Tuesday, Dec 26_

**Eddie Spaghetti**  
1:20am

where you go?

 ~~holy shit ur fuckin adorable~~  
to my room, Eds  
you fell asleep  
you ok?

its cold

want me to bring you another blanket?  
we’ve got extras

no

ok...

You are warm

i guess i am pretty cozy here

when you held me

 ~~!!!!?????!!!!~~  
~~ur fuckin killin me eds what the fuck~~  
yeah?

Your bed bigger than the couch

is that a question?  
my bed is bigger than the couch is, yes  
eds i’ve got a feeling ur not entirely awake

Im coming

~~!!!!!!~~

**Stan the birdman**  
1:25am

What was that?  
Why am I awake?

nothing!!

Richie

it wasn’t me  
not my fault eddie stomps like he’s twice as large as he is

Eddie?

yeah he woke up and texted me to say he was cold  
and then stomped upstairs with all his blankets from  
the couch around him and crawled into bed with me  
i say “woke up” but he’s definitely half asleep  
he’s snoring just a little already and i never thought  
i would find another man’s snoring adorable  
but here we are  
this is fine i’m fine

Ok  
I don’t know if I believe you  
About being fine  
But also go to sleep and we’ll deal with it in the morning

yes sir

1:34am

Stan he’s drooling on my t-shirt and i just feel tender about it  
i’m screwed  
Stan?  
ok fine goodnight

8:25am

heyyy is Eddie downstairs somewhere?

No, I thought he might still be in bed with you?

ouch thanks  
he is not, there is just an Eddie shaped depression in my  
mattress to remember him by  
also dried drool on my shirt but some of it’s probably mine

OK tmi  
Beep beep Rich

also all those damn blankets off the couch

Oh  
Patty says his shoes are gone from the rack

oh

Yeah

man he keeps doing this  
fuck  
should i call him? i shouldn’t call him because sleeping w/ me  
is probably what made him run away  
shit

Richie, he came to you  
He wanted to be with you  
Between things he’s said and things you’ve mentioned  
about him, I think he might have more issue with the whole  
being in bed with a man thing  
But not with you

uh idk if you’ve noticed stanley but i am a man

I know  
And he likes you despite that

wow thanks

I’m not saying this right  
Come downstairs so I can say it better and also hug you  
And we’ll give Eddie a little time, but then I think reaching out to  
let him know we care about him and hope he’s safe would be ok

omw

**_________________________________________**

**Eddie’s phone**

_Same day_

**Richie Tozier**  
9:13am

[1 missed call]  
[2 unread messages]

 **Bev Marsh**  
9:13am

Hey Bev?

Hi Eddie!  
What’s up, you ok?

Yeah  
Maybe  
I have a question

Sure, go for it!

Did your husband ever say you were something bad and  
you believed him?  
Or just make you feel like that without saying it?

Oh OK this type of question

Sorry

No, it’s OK, I just wasn’t sure what it would be  
First off, I think I should mention Richie texted Ben earlier  
just to see if we’d heard from you

Oh  
Sorry  
I’m fine, I’m walking but I have a coat this time

Hon, you have nothing to apologize for

I worried him

Even if people were worried, you’re an adult! You can  
disappear for half an hour or so without telling anyone,  
that’s allowed

 ~~No it isn’t~~  
~~I thought I was supposed to feel guilty~~  
Thanks Bev

Of course  
Also, I didn’t forget your questions, hang on let me think how  
best to explain  
I think what happened with me was that between my dad, and  
some of the worst bullies in Derry, and then Tom later on, I got  
told that I was a slut a lot. And I didn’t exactly believe it when I  
was a kid, but I knew there was something wrong with me  
because I couldn’t really fight my dad off. Which was because  
I was a kid, but it felt like it was my fault.

Oh fuck bev

It’s OK, Eddie  
Well, it’s not OK, but I’m OK now, I’ve done a lot of therapy and stuff  
Anyway you heard some of the stories we’ve told about how I moved  
away to live with my aunt for the end of high school, so I did fight my  
dad off eventually and things got better, but it wasn’t like the end of  
everything. You didn’t ask for my whole life story but basically things  
got better in some ways, especially in college, but not entirely; and  
then when I was with Tom, it was a lot like my dad. And even when i  
got out of that, and knew it was abusive, i still felt guilty about, like,  
wanting to have sex and enjoying it

oh

Even though i knew it wasn’t a bad thing, it felt like a bad thing for ME  
Like i would never slut-shame someone else, just myself

oh

Yeah  
Does that make sense at all?

 ~~Too much sense~~  
Yeah  
It does  
I’m sorry Bev

It’s OK, like I said I’m a lot better about it now  
It doesn’t mean the whole feeling is always gone, but I have  
strategies to recognize that it isn’t right

How do you get those?

Well, therapy, like i said  
And also having the Losers helps  
Because I know there’s some people who love me no matter  
how I feel about myself  
It’s not the end all be all way to feel better but it really helps me  
any time I’m still working on stuff

how do you know they love you?

Well, they say it  
And they show it

I think richie might hate me now  
I ran away

He absolutely does not

I made him worry

He chose to worry about you, you can’t stop him or force  
him to do that

I don’t know

Eddie, honey, you’re spiraling a little  
I think if you’re up to it, you should text Richie  
I think you’ll see he doesn’t hate you, and I also think he’ll have  
even more useful stuff to say to you than I do  
Just give it a try

OK  
Bev?

Yes honey?

I love you

I know <3  
I love you too, Eddie

**Richie Tozier**  
9:02am

hey eds just wanted to check in, make sure ur OK  
it’s totally fine if u need space but maybe let me know where  
u are when u feel up to it? Or at least how u are. that’s all.

9:30am

Hi Richie  
I’m sorry I left  
I’m ok, I was just walking a little and now I’m near the pagoda

it’s all good dude  
do u know why you left?  
maybe that’s not fair, u don’t have to answer that

I think it’s fair  
You were worried  
I was scared I think  
But not of you  
Of me  
Because I’m

you’re?

Richie I can’t say it yet

hey, that’s fine

I like being near you and thinking about you but when i  
think about what it means about me i don’t like that part  
I’m sorry

it’s ok Eds  
i like being near you too  
Eddie, can I tell you something about me?  
it might be a little selfish but it might help you too, idk

Yeah  
You can tell me anything

OK so u know i’m gay

Yeah

here’s the thing, i knew i was gay at about age ten. but  
you remember derry, it wasn’t really a good place for that.  
so i also knew that being gay was, like, bad. or, i thought  
that, i guess, because it isn’t true, but i thought it so hard  
it was like knowing.  
i guess it was like this secret where if i could keep it secret,  
maybe i wld be ok, but if anyone knew then it became like  
the only important thing about me, like i was some kind of  
monster because of it and deserved basically everything bad  
that could happen  
u remember how bowers and them were, they probably just  
called me those names b/c they thought it was funny, but it felt  
like they knew, and like they were right to beat me up and stuff.  
also after grey was arrested i felt even more like if even my  
parents or you guys or anyone found out that they would hate me,  
and i would deserve it

Richie  
you dont deserve it

I know that now Eds  
sorry, i warned u this would be self-centered  
but yeah, i felt like that for a long time  
Sometimes i forget and feel like it a little bit still  
but when i went to college there were a lot of people who were,  
like, out and proud which i found so weird  
actually it was probably only a few people but it felt like a lot  
And eventually i figured out the Losers didn’t hate them, and  
when i finally sucked it up and came out to a couple of them,  
they didn’t hate me, and neither did the rest of them, and neither  
did my parents. I even did therapy for a little while until i was off  
my parents’ insurance and couldn’t afford it

Oh  
Have you ever thought about going again?

yeah maybe  
i definitely still have stuff to work thru

Maybe we could go together

maybe we could

Richie I do need help

like from me or a therapist?

Both  
And all the Losers  
but it’s scary  
I don’t want to get dependent  
Again  
On a therapist or the losers  
Or you  
Mostly you

mostly me?  
oop i definitely didn’t fully mean to send that  
it can be a rhetorical question too

it's ok  
it's just you’ve already helped me so much  
~~and I like you so much~~  
I feel like it would be too easy to get dependent on you  
I can’t do that again

that makes sense, Eddie  
u know, it’s ok to lean on ur friends more when there’s  
crazy shit going down, and i think you’ve had more than ur  
fair share of crazy shit these last couple months  
also i think there are ways to be helped without becoming  
dependent

Ben said something like that after I told Myra  
He said there’s such a thing as a happy medium

exactly  
we’ve just got to work on finding it

Richie i don’t think i know how  
There’s so much to think about  
I don’t know what to do with my house and i need to go back  
to work soon again and i don’t want to be alone but i don’t  
know if i could live full time with someone else right now

hey, this is where the help comes in  
we’ll figure it out  
All of us losers

And you and me

And you and me

 ~~i do know one thing Richie which is that i know i love you,~~  
~~i don’t know how i know it because i’ve never loved someone~~  
~~like this before, and i don’t know if i can tell you yet. But I'm~~  
~~starting to think that someday i’ll be able to.~~  
I’m going to walk back to your house  
Will you be there?

**_________________________________________**

**Richie’s phone**

_Same day_

**Eddie Spaghetti**  
9:42am

I’m going to walk back to your house  
Will you be there?

 ~~Eddie i love you so fucking much~~  
~~i never thought i would get a real happy ending and now~~  
~~even with all the shit going down i feel like maybe we can~~  
~~get one together someday~~  
~~i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you~~  
i’ll be here, Eds

End Part 3

Beginning of the Rest of Their Lives

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, there it is. Possibly not _exactly_ a happy ending, but I like to think a hopeful one.
> 
> If you read this, thank you! I hope you liked it a little. Again, I haven’t actually seen/read any of the canon. I (probably) won’t write anything else in this fandom. But I like Eddie (no good reason; I just do) and I wanted to write something where he gets to figure out how to be in any kind of relationship with people (and specifically Richie, of course) in a way that supports him and also lets him be himself. I wrote this instead; but I think he’s getting there.


End file.
